INFOMERCIAL VOICE:
Is it Halloween again? All the candy-distribution, and the paper-ghost hanging not to mention the turds in the birdbath. When did things get so complicated!? But the worst thing about Halloween is the exhaustive process of choosing a Halloween costume. Even if you thought ahead there’d be too many options but you brushed off the whole holiday again, because you choose to ‘work’ to ‘feed your family’. Same excuses every year. Now you’re in traffic and there’s a boomin’ party you gotta make but there’s no time for a costume with depth and irony, using just the stuff around the house, right?
Wrong! With this guide and a little imagination you’ll see that your whole house is the spookiest, scariest, most politically pertinent costumery in town.
Get Bart Cobb’s perennial companion to the Halloween season, ‘107 Costumes For Lazy Morons’.
Just $49.17!
And just to show it’s worth it, here’s a sample.
- Belt around neck—That’s it. But don’t turn your nose up, you walk in there in a pastel blue polo short with a belt around your neck, you aren’t a lazy bastard with no holiday spirit, you are wr.y commenter on the zeitgeist because you are JEFFREY EPSTEIN. (Fun idea: scribble the names of people at the party you hate and ‘accidentally’ drop it by that drunk girl who will pick it up and laugh obnoxiously as she goes around and explains the joke until it isn’t funny anymore.)
2. Hold a bottle of baby oil—wear a tuxedo if you want, but it doesn’t matter what you wear, because his staff didn’t have a dress code after a certain hour, if you know what I mean. Walk into the room holding a bottle of baby oil and you aren’t a shmoe that thought it was November 3rd only to be reminded by text five minutes before the party. Just pop by CVS and you are none-other than DIDDY’S BUTLER. (bonus: Throw something white on and dust confectioner sugar under your nose, then walk around in a daze saying ‘Was that T,D, Jakes’?)
3. Carry a sheet over your shoulder with a smear of brown down the middle—Get a sheet, any sheet, get some pudding, maybe Nutella, get a big spoonful and paint you a streak in it—really grind it in, too. Bingo-bango, you are no longer a jerk too thoughtless to participate, you are JOHNNY DEPP THE DAY AFTER HE DIVORCED AMBER HEARD. Mm-hm, that’s some relevant commentary.
4. Wear an ET mask, carry a BB gun—You still have that mask, right? Maybe it’s a little snug now that your cranium has attained manly girth. Well, no excuses, stretch that thing on and grab that Daisy BB Gun you rediscovered when you were cleaning the attic. Make sure to pose like Lee Harvey Oswald because you came to the house as Trump’s would-be assassin: THOMAS CROOKS.
It was either 1) historical criminal or 2)ticket taker at the Tilt-a-Whirl. Think about it, that’s a hard choice.
5.Make sign: Will foment racial division and surreptitiously insert radical race politics into video games…for food. This one may seem a little too particular but when you count up all the media they warped with their DEI fascism, everyone’s been affected, you are THE CEO OF SWEET BABY INC. (Alternate signs: “I cost Sony 400 Million Dollars” –and—“Victim of racist onslaught by racists who are too stupid and racist to let me call them stupid and racist.”)
6. Wear t-shirt that reads: “I hate this civilization and want it and you to burn for eternity.” This ones a thinker, because he didn’t actually wear this shirt, but he might as well have. Make the writing legible and maybe pencil in a very gay moustache because you are the DIRECTOR OF OPENING CEREMONIES AT THE PARIS OLYMPICS. Bonus points if you wear a tiny little bowler hat and paint your tongue red.
7. Black blazer with a single pumpkin decal on the pocket,, carry bible: Famous people have siblings, and those siblings are most put out at their promotion of this godless holiday. Make sure and ask ‘Any Questions?’ but before they open their mouth inject ‘Because Jesus has the answers.’ Why? Because you are KARL S PUMPKINS—DAVID PUMPKINS’ BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN LITTLE BROTHER.
8. Blue blazer, dress shirt, boxer shorts, black socks and shoes.—You remembered to put on your shirt and tie, your remembered to iron your blazer and shine your shoes, that’s pretty much it, right? If only your wife wasn’t out of town at a fundraiser for transsexual pets, she’d have the checklist—Oh forget it,, you got this, you’re ready for whatever this…this thing is, you’re tops baby, you’re the pres-i-ment—or, you know the thing, you’re JOE BIDEN ON HIS WAY TO A STATE DINNER
Hey look, Girl Scouts! Toot-toot! Destination: Sniff Town.
9. Wear a warm-up suit, carry Australian flag: Any warm up-suit and you can print-out the flag and hot glue it to a Popsicle stick. This one’s fun because it lets you show off your Olympic-level dance moves like: The Shuffle Awkwardly and The Forget Where You Are For A Second not to mention the crowd pleasing T-Rex That Pooped His Pants. Congratulations, this party just got a gold medal visit from AUSTRALIA’S SECOND BEST BREAKDANCER.
10. Brown paper bag over head, ‘Cindy Crawford’ written on bag.+— Self-explanatory, get a brown paper bag, write ‘Cindy Crawford’ on it, and thus this Halloween you have captured the most intimate, secret moment of a media star’s life and brought it here for all to enjoy, everyone will know you are JOY BAHAR ON HER WEDDING NIGHT. For extra authenticity, hold an open copy of Playboy next to the bag like he did.
...ORDER NOW! And we’ll send you Bart Cobb’s 74 Cringey Christmas Tree Ornaments! ABSOLUTELY FREE!!
(Offer not valid in Hawaii, Alaska or Tennessee [because that’s where his ex-wife lives and she doesn’t know he has another revenue stream])
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