There are 263 entries in Rants
FEATURED RANTS
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The Wizard Of Ahs -or- Please Stay On That Goldbrick Road, Dorothy
Read more: The Wizard Of Ahs -or- Please Stay On That Goldbrick Road, DorothyFollow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Humongous Metaphors will grant the key to this classic. “Oh Toto, Why couldn’t we have been swept up in an allegory for the Spanish-American War or Swine Flu or something?” That’s right. Didn’t know you were watching a 19th century economic sermon…
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The Natives Are Getting Restless
Read more: The Natives Are Getting RestlessMan has long excelled at picking on animals and fucking up the environment, a dismal trait I’m fine with as long as it generates good eco-horror movies. This sub-genre is staggeringly rich and diverse, tackling everything from sentient frogs and mutant sea creatures to walking plants and extraterrestrial viruses that powderize your blood. It has…
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Annoying Fuckers
Read more: Annoying FuckersMost people are annoying. It doesn’t matter whether they’re a droning colleague, that snarky online twat who just won’t see sense, some random queue jumper, a younger sibling, the halitosis-afflicted taxi driver taking the long way round, a right wing foreign president, a neighbor loudly playing music or that hotty in the supermarket who looks…
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Sharknado: A Survivor’s Tale
Read more: Sharknado: A Survivor’s TaleYouse guys seen these fuckin Sharknado movies? [Editor’s Note: Yes, and I reviewed two of them. Pay attention] It’s kinda important that you have… Well, take it from me, a guy who’s survived two sharknadoes…[Editor’s Note: I’ve watched 3, plus Piranha Sharks, so there!] I don’t know if that’s spelled with an “e” or not.…
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Newman, Old Brilliance
Read more: Newman, Old BrilliancePaul Newman’s glorious cinematic career was brought to an end by a machine gun-toting Tom Hanks. “I’m glad it’s you,” he says to his imminent murderer during the rain-soaked finale of Road to Perdition. Of course, this sort of far-fetched rubbish (patiently waiting to be gunned down before paying a compliment to your assassin) can…
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Hurt, He’s Gone
Read more: Hurt, He’s Gone“Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!” a fellow diner yells as a choking, panic-stricken John Hurt collapses onto the table in the 1987 sci-fi spoof, Spaceballs. Moments later an alien bursts through his midriff. “Oh, no…” Hurt cries while looking down his body at its malevolent, twitching head. “Not again!” His cameo is about the best…
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Pliers, Pussies & the Enduring Class of John Vernon
Read more: Pliers, Pussies & the Enduring Class of John VernonIn the flat blaxploitation parody I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, baddie John Vernon prickles at the insinuation that playing an exploitation villain is beneath him. “Lots of famous people have done exploitation movies,” he tells the hero before listing the likes of Shelley Winters and Angie Dickinson. OK, mate, fair point, but I doubt you…
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Starring debuts #7: Richard E. Grant in Withnail and I (1987)
Read more: Starring debuts #7: Richard E. Grant in Withnail and I (1987)Big-budget action maestro Michael Bay could probably learn a thing or two from Withnail. Namely, that if you get the characterization and dialogue right, you don’t need any explosions or mayhem to make a great movie. After all, what does the titular character accomplish during the 107 minutes of this cult classic? He tries to…
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Absolute Corruption: Citizen Kane, Scarface, Beauty and the Beast
Read more: Absolute Corruption: Citizen Kane, Scarface, Beauty and the BeastNever before or since has any director made such an impressive feature film debut as Orson Welles with Citizen Kane, made when he was only 25 years old. Despite having no prior experience in filmmaking, Welles was given carte blanche on the production, and he delivered the most original, innovative, and provocative movie of its…
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Stop this Sketch. It’s Silly
Read more: Stop this Sketch. It’s SillyNamed after their famous catchphrase, the Pythons’ first movie is actually a rehash of sketches from their 1969-70 TV shows. Despite that, And Now for Something Completely Different is brilliant from start to finish, a staggeringly well-chosen compilation that includes The Lumberjack Song, The Dead Parrot, and Upper Class Twit of the Year. It’s also…
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The Ruthless Guide to 80s Action Movies: Volume 1
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The 2 Best Films of 2005
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My Malawi Story
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Dead-Eye Alec: Or, Put that gun down!
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The Last Hurrah #5: Charles Bronson in Death Wish (1974)
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The Top 10 Words To Describe Midgets
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Ayn Rand’s Objectivism: The Cult of The Dirty Diaper
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My Five Most Shattering Orgasms
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Why Liberals Will Never Win The Gun Control Debate
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Five Facts About Tornadoes You Didn’t Know
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L. Ron Mexico Discovers Noah’s Diary
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Shaky Starts: Part Two
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Shaky Starts: Part One
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The Bug Museum -or- A Creationist’s Worst Nightmare
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Matt has had enough of the 300 Fan Boys
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Matt has had enough of NASCAR dads
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Things That Go Bump on The Shaft
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Pizza Sucks
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
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Matt Has Had Enough of Mountain Climbers
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Happy Sniper’s Day
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Masters of Disaster: Leslie Neilson in The Poseidon Adventure
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Demons in the air -or- Why movies suck and wokism is everywhere
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Where’s My Froggy?: A Top 10 (ribbit) List
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Schultz’s Guide to Enjoying San Francisco
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How To Deal With Conservative/Paranoid Facebook Friends
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Another Poop Story: The Desert Hamburger
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Regrets
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Confessions Of A Condiment King -or- Why Goat Revoked Ezra’s Key To The Break Room At Ruthless Towers