There are 260 entries in Rants
FEATURED RANTS
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Imaginative Bursts of Sadism
Read more: Imaginative Bursts of SadismDo you ever do that thing, perhaps while life hasn’t been treating you too brilliantly, when you start reading up on sicko Nazi and serial killer shit? You don’t mean to (perhaps you’ve got a spare half-hour between charity commitments) but somehow you’re disappearing into the bowels of the internet consuming blood-drenched pages about medieval…
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I Went With What the French Call: les apeshit
Read more: I Went With What the French Call: les apeshitExcuse me, you say, Oh sagacious and inerrant Mr. Cobb–however do they market our movies overseas? One word: Badly. –So it’s just a direct translation, then? Two words: You wish. Or, as they would translate that sentiment in Malaysia: Of Terrible Consequence to Original Things Super-Duper High-Five. “They called this movie ‘Little Jew I Want…
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A Cinephile Has Bizarre Wishes
Read more: A Cinephile Has Bizarre WishesOne-He wants ALL the film merch of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure that they only released in Japan and Burma and include characters that weren’t in the movie like ‘Mecha-Francis’;, Two-He wants the power to mix and match the lesser-known, overlooked film actors he feels haven’t been bathed in divine glory as he believes, in his…
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An Alternative Movie Theory
Read more: An Alternative Movie TheoryThe greatest alternative movie theory of all time is MY OWN. You’ve seen this film I trust. If you haven’t there are major spoilers beyond: DO NOT ENTER. Now then, I want you to take a long look at that poster because the art was not formulated by accident. Cormac McCarthy, who wrote the novel,…
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Old Fuckers
Read more: Old FuckersAt the beginning of Rocky IV, Rocky and Apollo dance around the ring throwing mock insults but essentially admiring each other’s physiques. It’s one of moviedom’s gayest starts, especially with lines like “I’m gonna whip your butt” and “You really look good for an older guy.” To be honest, it’s a bit of a surprise…
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The Wizard Of Ahs -or- Please Stay On That Goldbrick Road, Dorothy
Read more: The Wizard Of Ahs -or- Please Stay On That Goldbrick Road, DorothyFollow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Humongous Metaphors will grant the key to this classic. “Oh Toto, Why couldn’t we have been swept up in an allegory for the Spanish-American War or Swine Flu or something?” That’s right. Didn’t know you were watching a 19th century economic sermon…
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The Natives Are Getting Restless
Read more: The Natives Are Getting RestlessMan has long excelled at picking on animals and fucking up the environment, a dismal trait I’m fine with as long as it generates good eco-horror movies. This sub-genre is staggeringly rich and diverse, tackling everything from sentient frogs and mutant sea creatures to walking plants and extraterrestrial viruses that powderize your blood. It has…
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Annoying Fuckers
Read more: Annoying FuckersMost people are annoying. It doesn’t matter whether they’re a droning colleague, that snarky online twat who just won’t see sense, some random queue jumper, a younger sibling, the halitosis-afflicted taxi driver taking the long way round, a right wing foreign president, a neighbor loudly playing music or that hotty in the supermarket who looks…
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Sharknado: A Survivor’s Tale
Read more: Sharknado: A Survivor’s TaleYouse guys seen these fuckin Sharknado movies? [Editor’s Note: Yes, and I reviewed two of them. Pay attention] It’s kinda important that you have… Well, take it from me, a guy who’s survived two sharknadoes…[Editor’s Note: I’ve watched 3, plus Piranha Sharks, so there!] I don’t know if that’s spelled with an “e” or not.…
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Newman, Old Brilliance
Read more: Newman, Old BrilliancePaul Newman’s glorious cinematic career was brought to an end by a machine gun-toting Tom Hanks. “I’m glad it’s you,” he says to his imminent murderer during the rain-soaked finale of Road to Perdition. Of course, this sort of far-fetched rubbish (patiently waiting to be gunned down before paying a compliment to your assassin) can…
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The Ruthless Guide to 80s Action Movies: Volume 1
by Erich Schulte (Author), Matt Cale (Author), Mike McGowan (Author), John Gautreaux (Author), Devon Pack (Author), Sarah Sarah Rhodes (Author), Shelby Sherman (Author), Michael Behrens (Author), Juan Konstantin (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
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TOP 10
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The Top 10 Hollywood Tropes: They need to go Edition
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Darwin’s Nightmare (2004)
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Cheaper By the Dozen (2003)
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Jonestown: The Life and Death of People’s Temple
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Sharkwater (2006)
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Indiana Jones: Bullwhip for the White American Male
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Russian Ark (2002)
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What’s The Deal With Women In Horror Movies?
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Black History Month Special: How you duuurrrn!– a black man in a dress is not the bellwether of conspiracy…unless it is.
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A Few More Ruthless Villains: 80’s Action Edition
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Top 10 Romantic Movies that won’t make you want to shoot up your local Ann Taylor
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The Phantom Menace: The 100 Things Wrong With it Edition
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My Own Personal Jesus-The Eureka Springs Experience
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Death Without Dignity
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Colonoscopy: It’s About the Prep
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Falling Down: Spending 7 Months in Prison Edition
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The Oscars: When Pigs Fly Edition
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Soul Plane
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Great Cocksmen of the American Presidency (Who Are Not Bill Clinton)
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A Few Ruthless Movie Villains
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Sawing Pigs Apart
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Oculus Interpretation
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The 2 Best Films of 2005
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My Malawi Story
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Dead-Eye Alec: Or, Put that gun down!
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The Last Hurrah #5: Charles Bronson in Death Wish (1974)
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The Top 10 Words To Describe Midgets
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Ayn Rand’s Objectivism: The Cult of The Dirty Diaper
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My Five Most Shattering Orgasms