There are 260 entries in Rants
FEATURED RANTS
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Hurt, He’s Gone
Read more: Hurt, He’s Gone“Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!” a fellow diner yells as a choking, panic-stricken John Hurt collapses onto the table in the 1987 sci-fi spoof, Spaceballs. Moments later an alien bursts through his midriff. “Oh, no…” Hurt cries while looking down his body at its malevolent, twitching head. “Not again!” His cameo is about the best…
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Pliers, Pussies & the Enduring Class of John Vernon
Read more: Pliers, Pussies & the Enduring Class of John VernonIn the flat blaxploitation parody I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, baddie John Vernon prickles at the insinuation that playing an exploitation villain is beneath him. “Lots of famous people have done exploitation movies,” he tells the hero before listing the likes of Shelley Winters and Angie Dickinson. OK, mate, fair point, but I doubt you…
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Starring debuts #7: Richard E. Grant in Withnail and I (1987)
Read more: Starring debuts #7: Richard E. Grant in Withnail and I (1987)Big-budget action maestro Michael Bay could probably learn a thing or two from Withnail. Namely, that if you get the characterization and dialogue right, you don’t need any explosions or mayhem to make a great movie. After all, what does the titular character accomplish during the 107 minutes of this cult classic? He tries to…
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Absolute Corruption: Citizen Kane, Scarface, Beauty and the Beast
Read more: Absolute Corruption: Citizen Kane, Scarface, Beauty and the BeastNever before or since has any director made such an impressive feature film debut as Orson Welles with Citizen Kane, made when he was only 25 years old. Despite having no prior experience in filmmaking, Welles was given carte blanche on the production, and he delivered the most original, innovative, and provocative movie of its…
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My Life Of Crime
Read more: My Life Of CrimeI once nicked a computer from work. It had been lying around unused in the district office for ages so I thought no one would notice. And for a couple of months they didn’t. Then someone wanted it, it wasn’t there, and the none-too-pleased boss told me to file a report with the cops, most…
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Stop this Sketch. It’s Silly
Read more: Stop this Sketch. It’s SillyNamed after their famous catchphrase, the Pythons’ first movie is actually a rehash of sketches from their 1969-70 TV shows. Despite that, And Now for Something Completely Different is brilliant from start to finish, a staggeringly well-chosen compilation that includes The Lumberjack Song, The Dead Parrot, and Upper Class Twit of the Year. It’s also…
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Fat Fuckers
Read more: Fat FuckersChubsters, lard asses and human hippos appear to be the latest group of people we’re s’posed to tippy toe on eggshells around, if not show automatic respect for. Fantastic, and I’ll certainly bear that in mind the next time I’m wedged next to one in Coach Class or I see some slobbering blubber guts outside…
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Brain Eating, Gang Rape and Other Funny Stuff
Read more: Brain Eating, Gang Rape and Other Funny Stuff“I’d walk a mile for a chuckle.” Great line, huh? It comes from 1957’s excellent Sweet Smell of Success. It’s a simple statement that perfectly captures a sense of ennui. In seven short words you get a feel for how the character’s been numbed by the daily grind, how he’s surrounded by unremarkable people and…
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Hey, PE Teacher! Leave Them Kids Alone!
Read more: Hey, PE Teacher! Leave Them Kids Alone!I’ve never quite gotten over my first PE lesson aged eleven at a big school. After surviving a bruising game of rugger in which I was sometimes mistaken for the ball, I tried my best to change back into my uniform and sneak home as the prospect of a group shower at that somewhat self-conscious…
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Carter v. Shand: Battle of the British Gangsters
Read more: Carter v. Shand: Battle of the British GangstersThere are many people who like to grapple with the Big Questions, such as whether we’re alone in the universe, what happens after death and what celeb has the best tits. Luckily I’m in a position to answer the last one in that God has the best tits because (a he’s Perfection so it stands…
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Bitches
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