#10
Snoop
You know, I’ve heard of popular rappers spending obscene amounts of money on the most trivial, puerile, and preposterous of things– huge, cumbersome gold chains, platinum pot leaves, pimp suits, even 750,000 dollar “Ho-Bangin’” pendants–but none of these, and I mean none, compare to the personalized, diamond-encrusted chalice. The chalice alone propels Snoop Dogg into the number ten spot. Well, that, the tacky pot leaf Mardi Gras necklace, and the fucking anathema that was Soul Plane.
#9
50 Cent
Why, oh, why must Fitty always be wearing a bullet proof vest in every picture he takes? I mean, we get it for crying out loud, you got shot. Hell, between the belt-buckle and that G-Unit pendant, you don’t even need to wear the fucking vest! Holy shit, that thing is big enough to deflect my god damn RPG! I’ve been shot, with a pellet gun, and you don’t see me cruising around in Kevlar, especially for magazine shoots. The good thing is that Fitty did bash the extremely hokey Ja Rule on his latest album, so that kept him out of the number eight slot. Oh, and look for Fitty’s video game, Bulletproof later this year. Again, why? [Ed Note: And please do not forget Schultz’s unbelievably brilliant cover of Fitty’s P.I.M.P., the earth shattering P.O.P.E.
#8
Ma$e
Sure, the picture ain’t that ridiculous, but Mase holds down the #8 position for sheer, undeniable lack of ability. Quite frankly, I can’t think of a more untalented and undeserving rapper alive. Mase has piggybacked the tired and broken shoulders of P-Diddy since day fucking one. Anyone who’s heard this guy attempt to rap knows that he’s a joke. I can think of a hundred rappers who can run lyrical circles around this blustering buffoon, namely Guru of Gangstarr, a guy that can pull off the low-key monotone with style. Hell, I recorded better lyrics on my 1988 Panasonic flip-clock ghettoblaster when I was twelve years old and listening to Paid In Full. The aforementioned Shultz would smoke this guy like a bad tire.
#7
Busta Rhymes
This could almost be a Black Metal diptych if Busta wasn’t so–you know–black. I’m not sure which musical scene produces more overall ridiculousness, hip-hop or black metal? You be the judge. While I’m not sure what Busta is trying to accomplish in these pictures, he is looking a lot like Wilt Chamberlain’s depiction of Bombaata from Conan the Destroyer in that outfit. In the end, though, you gotta give props to Busta for his killer performance as the drug-addled, Uzi-wielding crackhead in Narc. Wait a minute… that’s not Busta? Oh yeah, this is…
#6
Lil’ Jon
I’m at a loss with this one. What in the holy mother of all hell is he holding? Lil’ Jon has taken bad taste to a whole new level here. That is gallons beyond your average diamond- encrusted chalice–it’s a fucking humungous, 32oz diamond-encrusted wine glass!!!! What is he, collecting tips in that fucking thing!? Can you imagine trying to swirl that much Cabernet? Lil’ Jon is, well, a lil’ guy, and I got 50 bucks says he would pass the fuck out before finishing half of that thing if it were filled with a decent wine. And what’s up with everyone being lil’ these days? Asinine!
#5
Jermaine Dupri
The self-described “world-class baller” is the second biggest hack on the list next to Ma$e. We have Jermaine Dupri to blame for committing such nauseating atrocities as Kriss Kross, Da Brat, and Lil’ Bow Wow–among others. Where are the golf clubs, Jermaine? Because you look like some kind of fucking midget, caddy-clown if there ever was such a thing. Or worse, a fucking Oompa Loompa! Get back to stirring the chocolate, shorty!
#4
Eminem
And he must have been thinking that he looked good when he posed for this, right? Isn’t everyone just fucking woefully tired of this guy yet? Tired of his unfunny, platitudinous, multi-millionaire antics? Tired of seeing him prance around on television like a slaphappy gimp? Tired of hearing about his Oedipal complex? Tired of hearing about his stale, co-dependent relationship and how much he loves his daughter? Good, because I sure the fuck am! We wish he’d make good on the above Houdini act and just fucking disappear. In the meantime, I’ve got some bad news. Ya’ll better brace yourself for another barrage of buffoonery, because he’s going on tour with Fitty this summer!!!! God help us all.
#3
R. Kelly’s Mugshot
The Michael Jackson of R&B. Sure, we all know he’s not really a “rapper”, but man is this picture funny. How exactly do you manage to get charged with 21 counts of child pornography? This guy has got more bootleg porn flicks on the market than Paris Hilton and Tommy Lee combined. He’s made more of a career out of booty slappin’ underage girls than he has from singing about booty slappin’ underage girls–undisclosed amount to Tracy Sampson, $250,000 to Tiffany Hawkins. Don’t forget about Aaliyah and Patrice Jones. What the hell are we going to do with R. Kelly? I suggest a branks:
#2
DMX
Like many washed up rappers, he’s taken refuge in the warm, fostering embrace of Hollywood–an industry that’s been kick-starting paralyzed careers for decades. I don’t think anyone on the list has been arrested more times than DMX. Charges include assault, driving with a suspended license, weapons possession, even triggering a three-car collision involving police! He rivals the recently departed ‘Ole Dirty Bastard at any rate. The good thing is that he loves Ruthless Reviews:
Most y’all cats don’t know what ruthless means
Will you be able to survive the truth I’ve seen
Cats wouldn’t be alive if you was on my team
But the truth is the ride is rough ya mean
Truer words have never been written.
#1
Lil’ Jon and Crew
OK, first things first. Who in the cockamamie fuck decided that it was a good idea to make a pair of jeans with 9mm pistols plastered all over them? Secondly, who the fuck would buy a pair of jeans with 9mm pistols on them? And lastly, who the fuck would wear a pair of jeans with 9mm pistols on them? Good Christ! That’s just a hip-hop fashion catastrophe right there. Anyway, Lil’ Jon is rockin’ his own diamond-encrusted chalice which warrants consideration. But wait, who’s the white dude hiding in the back doing the Sieg Heil? No wonder why they all look so fucking confused. And isn’t that Donovan McNabb in orange? Finally, Ice Cube has really let himself go.