The Ruthless Guide to 80s Action

Big sweaty men! Big noisy guns! Dozens of people getting beaten and slaughtered–per scene! Entire cities razed to the ground! Liberal wimps beware as simple handguns become judge, jury and executioner!

And the only repercussion is that the Stupid Chief takes your badge and gun for the weekend…

Check Out the RUTHLESS TIMELINE of 80s Action

Welcome to the wonderful, white bread world of 80s Action. The brain-trust here at Ruthless (Goat & Matt) spent some time figuring out just what exactly made a shoot ’em up flick in the 80’s so much better than the identical film shot in some other decade. That task took all of about five minutes.

Firstly, action films from the 80’s are all exceedingly homoerotic. It is an essential part of the given movie’s aesthetic. Sure, Steve Reeves took his shirt off in The Thief of Baghdad, but he spent most of his time chasing after the princess, not touching other men. Of course, all of the heroes in 80’s Action flicks talk like tough guys, but there is rarely any hetero-sex and by the end of the movie they are typically locked in mortal, lascivious combat with another muscular, shirtless man.

Furthermore, the heroes of these great films are men who in real life could actually beat the living fuck out of you. Say what you will about his political abilities [Ed Note: Vote Larry Flynt], but back in 1983, Arnold Schwarzenegger could have ripped the arms off your body. Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Charles Bronson, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude van Damme or Clint Eastwood, back about 30-35 years, were all actually muscle-bound, tough-as-nails uber-mensches.

You would not have wanted to run into any of them while lurking in a dark alley. Especially if you’re a commie-nazi, drug-dealing terrorist leftist cop who’s soft on crime and likes kidnapping/molesting under-aged white girls in said alleys. These days, more often than not, all you get are androgynous pencil-dicks like Jared Leto playing the heavies. Put more succinctly, if me and Leto met in a darkened alley, I’d be the one bending him over. And Will Smith is exactly as intimidating as Milhouse Van Houten, except at the Oscars, of course. Action stars of today are pussies. Action stars of two decades ago shot .44 bullets out of their cocks. Honestly, if Charles Bronson and I were in the same room I’d kill myself just to make sure he didn’t hurt me.

Finally, 80s Action films have a definite right-wing slant to them. Similar to Triumph of the Will. Sure, no one wanted to see sex on screen while Reagan was in office, but more than half of the films we’re going to discuss derived their plots from Willie Horton commercials. Whether it is Rocky Balboa single-handedly bringing down the Iron Curtain while draped in Old Glory, or Charles Bronson intricately dissecting the fallacies of liberalism with a .357 Magnum… or Schwarzenegger waltzing around half-nude with more guns than the Branch Davidians, people who enjoy circle jerking to Norman Rockwell prints simply love action films of the 80’s. We know we do. Enjoy!

The Ruthless Guide To 80s Action is a living document and will be updated every so often. Here is what we currently have:

10 TO MIDNIGHT	ABOVE THE LAW	ACTION JACKSON	ALIENS
AMERICAN NINJA	ARMY OF ONE	ASSASSINATION	BEASTMASTER, THE
BEST OF THE BEST	BLACK RAIN	BLOODSPORT	BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION 3:
COBRA	COMMANDO	CONAN THE BARBARIAN	CONAN THE DESTROYER
CYBER TRACKER	CYBORG	DAYS OF THUNDER	DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR
DEATH WISH 2	DEATH WISH IV: THE CRACKDOWN	DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH	DIE HARD
DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER	DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE	DOUBLE IMPACT	DOUBLE TEAM
ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK	EXTREME PREJUDICE	EYE OF THE TIGER	FIREWALKER
FIRST BLOOD	FLIGHT OF THE INTRUDER	HARD TO KILL	HEARTBREAK RIDGE
INVASION USA	IRON EAGLE	KICKBOXER	KICKBOXER 2: THE ROAD BACK
KICKBOXER 4: THE AGGRESSOR	LETHAL WEAPON	LOCK UP	LONE WOLF MCQUADE
MALONE	MARKED FOR DEATH	MAXIMUM RISK	MCBAIN
MISSING IN ACTION	MISSING IN ACTION 2:	MURPHY’S LAW	NAVY SEALS
NEXT OF KIN	NO DEAD HEROES	OUT FOR JUSTICE	OVER THE TOP
PREDATOR	PREDATOR 2	PUNISHER: WARZONE	RAMBO
RAMBO III	RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II	RAW DEAL	RED DAWN
RED HEAT	RED SONJA	ROADHOUSE	ROBOCOP
ROCKY III	ROCKY IV	ROCKY V	ROLLING VENGEANCE
SWAT	SHARKY’S MACHINE	SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO	STEEL DAWN
STONE COLD	TANGO & CASH	THE DELTA FORCE	THE EVIL THAT MEN DO
THE HANOI HILTON	THE LAST BOY SCOUT	THE PERFECT WEAPON	THE PUNISHER
THE RUNDOWN	THE RUNNING MAN	THE THING	THEY LIVE
TOP GUN	TOY SOLDIERS	UNDER SIEGE	UNIVERSAL SOLDIER