Hellboy (2004)

Directed by Guillermo del Toro

Based on the comic books by Mike Mignola

Starring
– Ron Perlman as Hellboy
– Selma Blair as Liz Sherman
– Jeffrey Tambor as Dr. Tom Manning
– Karel Roden as Grigori Rasputin

Again, Jonny is all disappointed…

Hellboy…Not a good movie. It sucks, too, because it really did look good in the previews. Once in a while this happens; a movie shoots its wad via the trailer. Showing you all the really good parts, because there is no story or anything else that compelling to speak of. Hellboy, like the recent failure, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, is based on a “graphic novel.” The term “graphic novel” is geek-speak for a comic book where superheroes don’t where spandex body suits-still just a comic book. Now, I am not saying that Hellboy was anywhere near as miserable as The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, cause very few movies are. But, it still sucked, was basically pointless and once again I left the theater realizing that far too many films these days use special effects as a substitute for story and/or character.

You could tell Hellboy was bound to be a stink-fest within the first five minutes. Turns out that the bad guy is Rasputin. Yeah, that Rasputin. The “mad monk” who could control the Romanov’s hemophilia through magical mysticism, or probably the actual truth which is that he had a 13-inch cock and the tsarina just couldn’t get enough. Anyway, here in Hellboy the Siberian charlatan is in cahoots with the Nazis and trying to open the gates of hell. Totally dumb. I’m sure the author of the “graphic novel” had heard mention of Rasputin when he awoke from a nap in third period, but to make him an
immortal demon trying to destroy the world… just naive from the get go.

Maybe in the sequel the bad guy will be Nostradamus! Or better yet, Jepp, the sinister yet prognostic pet-dwarf of legendary Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe. Actually, that would be really fucking cool. As we have it here in Hellboy, Rasputin isn’t very cool at all. In truth, he’s rather dull. (There is sure to be a sequel now that Hellboy has unseated Scooby Doo II as the number one movie in our silly country… seriously, The Passion of the Christ, then Dawn of the Dead, Scooby Doo Dos and now Hellboy. I’m sure sociologists are having a field day.)

So much is wrong with Hellboy, it is hard to pick it all apart. Ron Pearlman did a fine job as the principle, and he looked really good, but everyone else was just terrible. Especially that Escape From the Blue Lagoon fish/man thing. Oh, and the Nazi chick was particularly terrible. OK, John Hurt was so-so, but so what? I mean when Hellboy
and his gang of dorks has to stop Rasputin and his evil undead Nazi friends… well, there is just no hope. Aside from the stupid story, the editing was pretty sub-par.

Lots of choppy cuts that you know were the result of some studio suit sitting in on the process and offering his/her worthless two cents. Not that the director’s vision was
betrayed or anything like that, it was just sloppy. The monsters were about the least scary beasts I’ve seen in a long time. They look like doodles off the back of a Peechee folder. Oh wait, they most likely were scratches on the back of a manila folder. Seriously, they looked like giant dogs crossed with the aliens from Alien and then doused with toxic waste. Lame. And the really cool part where Hellboy rips one of their jaws wide open was in the preview.

And the giant hell beast at the end might be the lamest movie monster of all time. Oh yeah, so get this kids, hell is actually a dim sunset populated with super giant octopus which are really, really evil and want to come and wreck the earth cause they are so mean. Luckily, in the world’s shortest climax fight scene, Hellboy kills the Satan-thing
with some grenades.

Look out, its Rasputin!!

There was only one good part. See, Hellboy is in love with Liz Sherman (Selma Blair), some X-Men wanna be who can start fires with her hands. But, because Hellboy is
property of the FBI, he has to sneak out all the time and go visit her in the mental home she lives in. But, Hellboy’s new handler, Dr. Tom Manning (played by Jeffrey Tambor in one of the most lifeless performances I have ever seen), totally has a boner for Liz. And, he can go and visit her or whatever without the potential of getting in trouble, because he is a pasty-faced little white fuck and not some bright red devil.

So, Hellboy follows Manning and Liz around and right before Dr. Tom is able to bust a move, Hellboy hits him in the head with a rock. I liked that part. Which is nuts considering the movie is a supernatural action-adventure flick with Nazis and Russians and Mutants and Satans and all this shit, yet the best part is one guy throwing a rock at another guy’s head! Sigh… The rest of the parts are basically all bad. One of the scenes is a total rip-off of The Relic. The rest is just wannabe X-Men crap and more than a little Indiana Jones-ish. Hey, they are fighting the Nazis! Anyhow, Hellboy? Just skip it.

Special Ruthless Ratings:

• How much hate mail are you going to get from fanboys telling you how stupid you are: A lot, like a megabyte’s worth or something.
• What are they going to say: You know, the usual shit like, “You don’t understand that the graphic novel is really good and there is historical fact, or at least allegory, supporting the fact that Hitler and Rasputin were in league to bring Satan to earth for some reason. You are so dumb.”
• What is it with you and fanboys: Fanboys hate me because I alone shatter the myth that comic books can be an adult form of entertainment. Like Marshall McLuhan said, the medium is the message. If you read comic books actively, you are the Comic Book Store Guy on the Simpsons. End of story.
• Come on, was Hellboy really so bad: Yes, it really stunk. Part of me is still a fifteen-year-old boy who waits till Mommy and Daddy leave to jerk off to women’s volley ball on ESPN2, so I wanted the movie to be totally awesome, like Spiderman. Instead, it was totally lame, like Hulk.
• Can you qualify it numerically: Isn’t that quantifying?
• Shut up: 4 out of 10, only because Ron Perlman was good. And he hit that little putz in the head with a rock. I fully advocate throwing rocks at little putzes.