We all know what Freddy Vs. Jason is supposed to be. Freddy kills some people, Jason kills some people and then they fight each other. It’s really just a bloodier, pornographic version of pro wrestling, which is why I was eager to rent this DVD.
The pro wrestling angle was well covered. Things get off to a bad start with the first novelty death. Jason hacks a teenage boy to death post-coitus, then folds the bed so that the boy is bent in half. Instead of being gory or funny, the bent body just looks cartoonish. But that early misfire was redeemed by Jason’s later killings. The bed boys’ friend wakes up from a Freddy nightmare, sitting next to his dad on the porch. The boy notices that dad looks a little pale just as dad’s head slides off his neck and onto the boy’s lap. The boy looks up to see Jason, and is hacked. Beautiful. Jason’s final, vaguely biblical killing spree is even better. After being set on fire, he rampages through a rave, snapping necks and slashing with his flaming machete. And yes, the fact that it was a rave makes this one of the best scenes of the year.
I’ve always been more of a Jason man, so it’s no surprise that I found Freddy’s work less satisfying. For one thing, Freddy never rampages through a Rave. Even so, some of his exploits are entertaining, as when he drives his knife fingers through Jason’s eyes. That leads to the confrontation itself, which is also as satisfying as it can be, given that both participants are indestructible. But when did Freddy learn kung-fu?
The rest of the film is horrible, even for a slasher flick. It’s cool to see the origins of Freddy and Jason actually depicted and this brunette girl, who is killed of far too early, has an impossibly awesome body. Other than that, I was consistently surprised by how bad the script was. For one thing, the plot is too convoluted for me to recount here. That should not be the case with a film called Freddy Vs. Jason. Apparently, the writers felt that this film should be consistent will all previous Nightmares and Fridays, even though most of us stopped watching when the roman numerals for the films passed those for the Super Bowl. Believe me, we don’t remember or care about the details of Freddy’s Dead, so just keep things simple.
The dialogue and characters were just atrocious. Here’s an example, which I’m not exaggerating. One character is the long-lost boyfriend of another character and he has escaped from a mental institution in order to tell her about the threat of Freddy and who has actually killed her mother. He’s about to tell her these rather important bits of information at the rave, but apparently the first draft of the script was only 60 pages and needed to be stretched out because it runs something like this
BOYFRIEND: Girlfriend, I have to tell you something about the murders of our friends. You’re in dire and immediate…
(Enter SASSY BLACK FRIEND)
SASSY BACK FRIEND: Let’s go shake our asses!
BOYFRIEND, GIRLFRIEND and SASSY BLACK FRIEND leave to dance, forgetting the conversation.
I swear to God that is what happens. The similarities to porn are overwhelming. In porn, they call all of the non-sex stuff the fast forward and that’s a pretty good description of the non-slashing parts of this film. The DVD even comes with a special menu that lets you skip to specific killings. Again, I’m fine with all of this.
Special Ruthless Ratings:
- Film Overall: 62/3
- Number of beers needed to make the film a 10: 7
- Number of times you thought it would be cool if they made a battle of less popular slashers like, Shocker vs. Candyman: 2
- Were you surprised to learn that, while Jason is impervious to fire, bullets, explosions, blades and crushing, he can be tranquilized: Yes.
- Number of times the movie was paused to do something else: 0
- Did finding out that Jason is mentally retarded make you like him less: Yes.
- But the fact that he’s a serial killer doesn’t bother you: That’s right.
- Did Jason’s retardation explain a lot: Yes.
- Do you want to go back and watch re-watch some old Fridays and Nightmares now: Yes
- Is that exactly what the marketing people wanted you to want: Yes, so what else is new?