“Say No More“
Back in 2011, a friend of mine insisted I needed watch Cabin in the Woods. I asked what it was about and all they would tell me was “bloodthirsty unicorn.” No context. Not even a complete sentence. Just two words that hooked me in and promised everything. Fourteen years later, that promise is back in a new movie. Of course, those two words aren’t really needed when the title of the new movie is Death of a Unicorn, but the promise is as exciting as ever. And if that doesn’t get you excited you should go back to feeding pigeons or watching grass grow or riding elevators because you like the sweet, sweet music. The rest of us will enjoy an utterly bonkers and entertaining movie in your absence.
I realize the title Death of a Unicorn doesn’t automatically mean the movie will feature the death of a literal unicorn. Death of a Unicorn could be the title of a Michael Jackson biopic or the next Game of Thrones spinoff. That’s why I would still respond to the question “what’s this movie about” with “bloodthirsty unicorn.” Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. I’d respond with “bloodthirsty unicorns.” Plural.
Elliot (Paul Rudd) and his daughter Ridley (Jenna Ortega) are driving through the wilderness to meet with a rich pharmaceutical company owner, Odell Leopold (Richard E. Grant), and his family when Paul accidentally hits a unicorn with his car. Yeah, this movie wastes no time. While attending to the injured creature, Jenna touches its horn and connects with the unicorn on a transcendental level. Suddenly, her enrapture is interrupted by Elliot bludgeoning the unicorn’s head in with a tire iron. Yeah, this movie wastes no time.
Not wanting anyone to find the body and possibly derail his meeting, Elliot loads the carcass into his car and drives them to their destination. Upon arrival, they meet Odell, his wife Belinda (Tea Leoni), and their son Shepard (Will Poulter). The meeting goes well at first, but is interrupted by loud noises coming from Elliot’s car. Everyone goes out to investigate and are greeted by an angry, very much not-dead unicorn, trying to smash its way out of the car. As suddenly as the tire iron scene, the unicorn is shot through the head by one of Odell’s security people.
At this point, the movie hasn’t gone full bonkers yet, but it’s only a matter of time. After the initial shock wears off of discovering a literal unicorn, the group also discovers that the unicorn’s blood has healing properties. Since Odell is dying of cancer, he orders his in-house scientists to concoct a serum from unicorn blood and ground up unicorn horn, then ingests it and is cured shortly thereafter. While Ridley is horrified, Elliot can’t resist the temptation of riches to secure their futures, so agrees to a partnership with the Leopolds to monetize the unicorn.
But again, this movie doesn’t waste time. As the group is preparing to move the unicorn body, much larger, much angrier, much eviler-looking mommy and daddy unicorns show up to turn this movie into a home invasion survival flick. Yay!
Clearly, this isn’t supposed to be a serious movie in any kind of way. Once the bloodthirsty unicorns show up for revenge and to reclaim their child, the mild pretense of seriousness coloring the first act is abandoned. And not a moment too soon. While this movie is obviously a satirical take on the insidious and despicable Sackler family (the owners of Purdue Pharma, who bear much responsibility for the current opioid crisis), that’s not why we came to the movie.
While the promise of unicorn-based riches becomes the sole motivation for the Leopolds, Ridley does a bunch of research on the Unicorn Tapestries (these are real thing currently on display at the Met Cloisters in New York City) in an attempt to understand the unicorns. The tapestries depict unicorns slaughtering a bunch of humans. YES! That’s why we came to the movie.
While I really enjoyed the film as a whole, its individual parts had their faults. The plot itself is fine, but it seemed as if they left some cards on the table. For a little while, it seemed like they were going to go further with the effects of the unicorn blood on the humans. At one point, Shepard is literally snorting powdered unicorn horn, which had the potential for some truly insane repercussions. Instead, the movie restrains itself and Shepard just kind of goes still for a minute and has glowy eyes. Same thing with Odell, who seems like he’s going to go completely mad with greed, but stops at about fifty percent. Also restrained is Paul Rudd himself, playing a determined and hapless father with vanishingly few snarky lines to showcase Rudd’s lovable humor. And Ortega’s earnest performance as Ridley, while really good, could have used a couple scenes where she also goes a little bit mad. I can appreciate a movie not letting its content fly off the rails, but this is the kind of movie that practically demands that content run wild.
Luckily, Leoni and Poulter know exactly what kind of movie they are in. Leoni is hilarious in nearly every line delivery and Poulter absolutely lets things fly. And shout out to Anthony Carrigan who plays Griff, the Leopold’s head servant. Carrigan absolutely steals some of his scenes and brings plenty of laughs to the fray.
Most importantly, the unicorns are awesome. My family and I recently stayed in an Airbnb that was unicorn-themed. Seriously. But not the kind of unicorns that were in this movie. The movie unicorns are the stuff of nightmares, definitely scarier than anything depicted in those tapestries. And the deaths? Just glorious. It’s everything that was promised.
Rating: Don’t ask for any money back because, say it with me: bloodthirsty unicorns.
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