Tagline:
Good Cop, Bad Alien, Big Trouble
Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:
Alien drug lords steal heroin, kill humans, take endorphins (profit)
Homoeroticism:
Absolutely None. Well, maybe a little. Dolph did grab Boner (a police informant played by Michael J. Pollard!) by the crotch at a titty bar, but that was about it. This movie was pretty good and had great potential, but Dolph did not even take his shirt off! Plus, he had a girlfriend, the police coroner, who nagged him the entire movie.
Corpse Count:
There were at least 30 deaths in Dark Angel, and they were glorious. Most of the killing was done by the Evil Alien Talec (Matthias Hues), who injected stolen heroin into the human victim’s chest, and sucked endorphins out of their brains. The White Boys (human drug dealers) killed 10 and Detective Jack Caine (Dolph) killed only 3.
Novelty Deaths:
All of the deaths were pretty spectacular. Both Talec (bad alien) and Azeck (good alien) had the equivalent of groger blasters that created memorable explosions and a lot of flying and flaming bodies. I really liked the DVD disc of death the best, though.
How Bad Was It Really?:
Except for the lack of homoeroticism, Dark Angel had all the elements of a great 80’s Action flick. We had the duo of “Dirty Harry” style cop with his unwanted sidekick of Special Agent Larry Smith. There was also plenty of carnage, exploding cars and one-liners galore.
What really made this movie were the two aliens, especially Talec. He was huge, bigger than Dolph and totally terrifying and ruthless. The storyline was that this alien drug-dealer came to Earth to steal heroin from drug dealers, inject random humans with a lethal amount of heroin, then harvest their endorphins to sell at his alien planet.
Was There a Stupid Chief?:
Absolutely, a couple of them. Captain Malone was Caine’s superior and was always riding him and trying to get him to go on vacation, merely for trying to do his job. Smith had his problems too with a corrupt F.B.I. superior, Inspector Switzer. Switzer wanted to ignore the human victims and harvest the alien technology for the military.
Post and Pre-Mortem One Liners:
- “I come in peace” -Talec
- “And you go in pieces, asshole!” -Jack Caine [Blows up Talec]
- “What seems to be the problem here, officer? [After stabbing Hawkins and stealing his name badge] -White Boy #2
Other Memorable Quotes and One-Liners:
- “I’m so pissed off, I could throw you through a goddamn window! But I’m not gonna do that right now. It’s not the time. It’s not the time to break your fucking NECK either!” -Chief Malone
- “Either you’re Santa Claus, or you’re dead, pal!” -Jack Caine
- “Hey, it fits perfectly” [Trying on jacket from Jack’s closet] -Agent Smith
- “It should. It was mine when I was 12.” -Jack Caine
- “What are you going to do, tell him we’re fighting drug dealers from outer space?” -Agent Smith
- “Now that’s a murder weapon” [Looking at alien disc] -Jack Caine
Stupid Political Content:
Not much, other than the never-ending war on drugs.
Was There an Atomic Blast at the End?:
No, but during the firefight between Caine, Smith and Talec, they totally blew up some sort of water treatment station.
Special Ruthless Ratings -or- What I Learned From Dark Angel
- The number of times you thought that Agent Smith was Steve Carell: 11
- The number of times you were disappointed that the movie didn’t kill off the girlfriend in the first 10 minutes: 32
- Drugs are bad, but endorphins sucked out of brains are much badder.
- Matthias Hues, who played Talec is HUGE, bigger than Dolph and even more ripped.
- The good alien was played by Jay Bilas who is 6’8″ and is now a college basketball analyst for ESPN
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