I am a sick man… I am a wicked man. I think my brain hurts. I watch movies like Behaving Badly for no reason other than to look at Selena Gomez’s posterior. At no point does she expose said posterior. Yet, I watch the film in its entirety just the same. Perhaps I enjoy this. Perhaps I truly am sick. It doesn’t really matter anymore. My brain hurts; well, then let it hurt even worse!
Sprawled on the shores of Pluto, mind twisted from extensive C programming, I gazed upon Behaving Badly playing on a sky tuned to a station that does not exist, has never existed, and shall never exist. Join me as I share these notes from my experience. Let us understand a film that has obtained the coveted 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Let us understand Behaving Badly.
(Translation of the above into Human: “This movie, bro. This movie.”)
53 seconds in: A crotch shot of a teenage boy opens the film. Well, I guess we can’t say that the director didn’t warn us about the quality of this movie in advance. I never thought that there was something in this world that I have less interest in seeing than Wilford Brimley’s ass, but now I know.
4 minutes, 25 seconds in: A second crotch shot. JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK
7 minutes, 16 seconds in: Strip club scene. There are bare breasts and everything! Oh, and Dylan McDermott has a mustache! Things are looking up!
10 minutes, 25 seconds in: A character references Rent and states that “Everyone had AIDS in it and it sucked.” They’re ripping off Team America! Am I really only 10 minutes into this thing?
12 minutes in: The best friend’s mom hits on the main character, running her hands on his inner thighs. Still no actual Selena scenes. Who made this shit?
14 minutes, 18 seconds in: Selena Gomez calls the main character a “motherfucker”! This movie is redeemed. Though I’ve often wondered why “motherfucker” is used as an insult. You know, if you really think about, pretty much everyone passes through their mother’s vagina when they are born. I didn’t, as I was born by C-section, but all of you people did. Thus, I’m one of the few people in this world who has never felt the inside of their mother’s vagina. So, I am definitely not a motherfucker, but most people technically are. You know, if you really think about it. Right? Am I right, guys?
17 minutes in: St. Lola, “The Patron Saint of Teenagers”, appears in the boy’s bathroom. Gross. I don’t even want to know.
19 minutes, 20 seconds in: First actual talking scene with Selena Gomez. These blue hoop earrings just aren’t working for me, babe.
26 minutes, 25 seconds in: St. Lola returns. How can an incorporeal spirit pop ecstacy? This movie is fucking retarded.
32 minutes, 22 seconds in: Middle-aged men in bondage gear running around a seedy motel parking lot. Just another night in Baldwin Park!
35 minutes, 6 seconds in: “Arriving at rehab sober is like showing up to a tennis lesson without a racket.” I don’t think this woman understands sobriety, but I certainly understand the sentiment.
38 minutes in: Patrick. Fucking. Warburton. I have seen the face of God. It is… beautiful.
45 minutes, 48 seconds in: “Get a hard-on, break your dick in half, and fuck yourself.” Does it still count as fucking yourself when your dick is no longer attached? Hey, what if someone fired the Portal gun from Portal so that the orange portal was by their asshole and then started fucking the blue portal? That’s how you do that shit, son!
48 minutes in: Gary Busey! Man, this is a real step down from that DTV classic Bounty Killer. You doin’ alright, Gary?
48 minutes, 50 seconds in: Heather Graham! Look at that décolletage! Oh wait. I’m sorry, Selena! I… I, uh…
49 minutes, 30 seconds in: “Kid, I’ve gotten off more guys than I care to remember.” Zing! Wait, was that a “snap” or a “zing”? I think it was a “zing”.
52 minutes, 4 seconds in: “Do you want to come in and listen to some trance music?” That’s a minefield of a question if I ever heard one.
56 minutes, 10 seconds in: Elisabeth Shue starts pleasuring herself with some type of kitchen appliance. It appears to be an electric whisk, but every time I watch the Food Network, I’m looking at Giada’s breasts and/or some bitching-looking food that Guy Fieri is showcasing on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, aka “The Greatest Show on Television”. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not an expert on these topics, but still I ask myself: is this safe? I’m concerned!
57 minutes, 20 seconds in: Dylan McDermott washes a dildo. It’s 11:00 pm on a Saturday night, and I’m watching this. This is my life.
1 hour, 35 seconds in: Sad piano music plays as Selena Gomez delivers an emotional moment. Why are they trying to make this an actual movie?
1 hour, 2 minutes, 45 seconds in: Dylan McDermott gets his balls crushed by Elisabeth Shue. He mumbles something about Filipino children during the sequence, but I didn’t fully catch what it was, and I really don’t want to know.
1 hour, 8 minutes in: Justin Bieber walks by. What?
1 hour, 10 minutes, 35 seconds in: “I liked you… despite the fact that your socks never match.” Is this a turn-off? Since when do women look at one’s socks? Christ, Selena. Do I need to get a full-time job, too?
1 hour, 14 minutes, 40 seconds in: After yet another appearance by St. Lola, we return to the opening crotch shot of the film. Between this and Dylan McDermott’s earlier demand that the main character look at his cock, I’m really starting to wonder about the mindset of the director of this movie. Given that I have problems (see: the entirety of my 30 years of life), the fact that I am saying this is truly amazing.
1 hour, 17 minutes, 50 seconds in: More sad piano music as Elisabeth Shue gets dumped by an underage boy. Jesus Christ, is this movie over yet?
1 hour, 23 minutes, 28 seconds in: Heather Graham being sexy. An oasis in a desert of McDermott-cocks.
1 hour, 24 minutes, 15 seconds in: “Pinkies are overrated. Unless they’re in the stink.” God dammit, Heather. Just… just go away. I can’t even look at you.
1 hour, 26 minutes, 51 seconds in: Everything’s wrapping up. We’re almost there. We’re almost there!
1 hour, 30 minutes in: And… we have a strip club scene with male strippers. We’ve come full circle. This movie is a cock wrapping back into itself like Ouroboros adorned with pictures of Selena Gomez. I just don’t know how I feel about all of this. I’m so confused right now. Oh God. Help me.
Compared to the other terrible movies starring Selena Gomez and/or Vanessa Hudgens I’ve watched, Behaving Badly is definitely the worst. I mean, Bandslam was just sort of lame, and The Frozen Ground did have a scene where Vanessa Hudgens danced in her underwear for 10 seconds. Actually, The Frozen Ground was a decent little Nicolas Cage movie and is probably worth checking out if you’re bored. But Behaving Badly is just a trainwreck of middle-aged women with ephebephilia, gay jokes, dick jokes, prison rape jokes, STD jokes, ripoffs of Risky Business, whiplash tonal shifts, and general idiocy. What I’m trying to say is that this movie wasn’t anywhere near as good as Getaway, which obtained a 3% on Rotten Tomatoes. I guess it’s that 3% that makes all the difference then.
It was still better than Transcendence, though.
