Here are some more fun facts about “Airwolf.”
- Earnest Borgnine and Jan-Michael Vincent were reunited on a special episode of “The Simpsons,” though they appeared in separate scenes and did not record together.
- I know that some of the things I say here seem made up, but Stephen J. Cannell’s teenage son really was tragically suffocated by a giant sand castle.
- I had a dream that I was jumping up and down on a bed with Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. It was fun for a while. Then we accidentally killed Larry Bird when he fell and then one of us jumped on him and broke his neck. We thought nobody would believe it was an accident. I was relieved to wake up and find myself in the clear.
Episode 15: Santini’s Millions
Borgnine is transporting a human heart to the The Windy City in Airwolf, which makes absolutely no sense, seeing as Airwolf is supposed to be a top secret vehicle that doesn’t officially exist and if it landed on the roof of a hospital in the middle of Chicago, somebody might see it. Plus, there were more suitable vehicles for such tasks, even back in the 80s. I was alive then, and I clearly remember there being commercial jets. It’s even possible that some made that very same flight from Los Angeles to Chicago. But then again, String and Dom also use Airwolf to break up disputes amongst local farmers and to settle 98% of their personal problems in their favor, so what are you gonna do? So, Ernie’s flying across the desert and his scanners see a small plane crash, he checks it out and it turns out to be the richest man in the world. I mean, he is literally supposed to the richest man in the world. Who Dom just happens to find in the desert while using a secret military aircraft for routine organ transportation. The Richest Man In The World offers Borgnine $50,000 to delay the organ transport and fly him to a business meeting in Los Angeles, and Borgnine declines because he’s incredibly noble. I mean, I would totally accept a medium sized bribe to indirectly kill an innocent person with an act of heartless negligence. Who wouldn’t? Because of this act of divine moral fortitude, The Richest Man In The World wills Borgnine 40% of his empire which turns out to be worth $40 million which would mean that, even in the 80s he wouldn’t have been close to being the richest man in the world. The rest of the episode makes less sense.
Best Borgnine Line: The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.
Episode 16: Prisoner of Yesterday
If it wasn’t so meandering , I’d think this episode was meant to launch a spin-off because the regular cast only gets about half the screen time. The real star of the episode is Doc, or rather, whatever actor played Doc, one of String’s friends who is kidnapped to help an ailing revolutionary leader in a fictionalized Latin American country called “Argentina” or something. Once he’s back in the country, he meets an old flame, the revolutionary’s daughter, Lilly. He somehow wins her heart but no one gives a fuck because he is neither Jan-Michael Vincent nor Ernest Borgnine and this episode suffers from a severe dearth of helicopter footage. What the fuck is going on? I think I’m going blind in one eye.
BBL: Hey! Where are the sissy and the bald guy going?
Episode 17: Natural Born
Sigh. Was Jan-Michael wrecked all of the time at this point, or something? “Airwolf” seems to be in short supply of Airwolf. Another episode featuring a one-off guest star who gets most of the screen time. Drug dealers kill his dad… …. …. …. finally, Airwolf intervenes. It does have a drunk clown and some especially nice stunt work. One would hope so because this is the episode where the stunt man was killed. Instead of dicking around with some stupid kid, I think Airwolf should have blown up the CN tower which was, at the time, the world’s tallest “building.” How dare the Canadians try to usurp the status of the Sears Tower with that ugly, useless grab at the record? Like, if you glued a bunch of Pringles cans together, stuck a Frisbee on top and it was taller than the CN tower, would the Canadians concede the record to you? Airwolf could have swooped in at the base firing rockets with JMV screaming “Muuulroneeeeey!!!” I’m sorry, that was the beer talking. It’s all been the beer talking, but on other occasions it’s been funny.
Best BBL: Now, stay as close to my bird as possible.
Episode 18: Out of The Sky
This episode opens at a country concert, a generic setting where the series has spent time before. I feel like “late century rube” is an underrated set of 80s aesthetics, as a good portion of action heroes eventually find themselves in a hick-infested dive where slide guitars are blasting and everybody’s clothes are too small. I don’t blame them because I think it would be kind of fun to go to a bar like that, especially since country music was so much better before it just became pop music for the functionally illiterate. Santini Air is working on the production of a concert for country super star, “Roxy” and the rest of the story elements are basically the same as “Colonel Homer.” Suspiciously so. Well, there is more kidnapping and helicopters. Also, it has this scene. Yes, judging by the rest of the actress’ performance, which demonstrated a range not seen since Harrison Ford played Han Solo during the period when he was frozen in carbonite, this is an actual vag grab and this is her genuine reaction. I’ve viewed this sequence about 1,700 times. I suggest you take at least a few run-throughs to drink it in.
