Adapt at your own risk. Let’s just get this out of the way right now. If you are a fan of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, at the very least, you are probably going to be disappointed in the movie The Dark Tower. At the very most, you’re going to be pissed off for…

Editor’s Note: Sometimes we request that our writers do horrible things. Sometimes they actually do them. The Emoji Movie is rated 1.5/10.0 at IMDB and has a score of 12/100 from Metacritic. Al actually watched and reviewed this awful movie. It’s around twenty minutes into the feature and I feel the panic begin to set…

Confusion and breasts. It’s not often that I’m completely confused by my feelings for a movie, but Atomic Blonde is one of those instances. My immediate reaction at the end of the movie was “I think I liked it? Maybe?” It definitely had elements I liked and there weren’t any obvious (at least to me)…

The war-iest of war movies. We’ve all seen what Christopher Nolan is capable of and it’s almost always been fantastic. We’re at a point now where “Directed by Christopher Nolan” is all that needs to be said to peak interest in a new movie. In other words, the opposite of “Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.”…

Oh, dear god. Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby. Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball. Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of the goose poop scattered on the field. That is…

War for the Planet of the Apes. l’ll have to say that I looked forward to this movie with a fair amount of expectation. Why? Nothing else has really excited me this year since Get Out. Alien:Covenant was quite good, but the fanboy crying about it virtually ruined it for me. Free Fire was fun,…

Kind of some obvious wishes did not get made. Sometimes, you have to be in the right mood to enjoy a movie, especially a bad one. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been listening to a podcast called My Dad Wrote a Porno and it is arguably the funniest thing I’ve heard in my…

ALEXANDER AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY (2014): It’s hard to figure out what demographic the film makers were aiming for. With a script that includes penis jokes, stripper jokes, poop jokes, and sex jokes, it is hardly appropriate for children. On the other hand, it is simply too brain dead for…

Now we can argue about the best Spider-Man actor. Do you realize it’s been thirteen years since the last good Spider-Man film? Spider-Man 2 was the last good one and Andrew Garfield was not better than Tobey Maguire. Yeah, I said it. The Amazing Spider-Man was bland and Garfield’s portrayal was mediocre and not sympathetic.…

Worst title ever? In the context of the film, the title makes perfect sense. The main character is named Baby, he’s a getaway driver for heists, and he’s really young. In the context of wanting to sell more movie tickets, it’s maybe the worst title ever. When I first saw it on the advanced screening…