Michael Caine has won two Academy Awards. From Alfie to Hannah and Her Sisters, he has brought unparalleled charm, grace, and wit to innumerable roles, and hell, the man has even been knighted. But he’s also done Jaws: The Revenge. And The Hand. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Don’t forget Dear Dictator] And few have ever demonstrated a greater willingness to throw dignity out the window for a large paycheck. Even he would admit to all this. That said, as if to wash away the stench of selling out, he also gave us On Deadly Ground. Not Oscar worthy, perhaps, but only because the Academy doesn’t have a sense of humor. For when Mr. Caine finally shuffles off this mortal coil, the question “What’s it all about?”, instead of applying to his breakthrough performance on the silver screen, will spur another, more lasting query: “What the fuck was that?”
Before we proceed, I realize On Deadly Ground hit theaters in 1994. While not technically an 80’s Action film, it still inhabits the very spirit of the age. So yes, we’ll grandfather it in. Objections are noted and rejected outright. For here, with master comrade Steven Seagal sitting, peacock-like, in the director’s chair, is perhaps the most fitting footnote to the most glorious decade of cinema. Incoherent, insane, and full of more contradictions than a Republican Party platform, it is, above all, a call to arms rarely heard in American life. Here, for all to see, is Seagal’s vision of environmental rescue: destroy the village in order to save it. Embrace clean air and water by setting fire to a refinery. An ocean filled with oil, but teeming with life. A love of humanity with an abnormally high body count. No wonder SS is at the right hand of Putin.
But we’re here for Citizen Caine. As Aegis Oil CEO Michael Jennings, his claim to fame is not the empire he’s built, but rather the medium’s most impressive hairstyle. Containing more crude than the entire Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, it is a shade of black unseen in nature, and quite possible the universe itself. But it’s a fitting symbol. This is one dedicated villain, and when he’s not shouting obscenities, he’s ordering the assassinations of Native people. While shouting obscenities. But it’s all in service of the greatest ambition ever witnessed: getting the oil rig AEGIS-1 online. But with only days to go until the land reverts to the Indians, he has to resort to extreme measures. Thankfully, all of them involve chewing scenery.
Naturally, all of this must, as if by fiat, also involve a fateful disk of information, for if 80’s Action has taught us anything, it’s that the bad guys always spell out their plans in writing. Delightfully efficient, like the Nazis of old. Jennings will end many a life in order to keep that disk out of the wrong hands, though it stands to reason it’s a fool’s errand in the end. For his nemesis is Seagal himself (as Forrest Taft!), the world’s foremost authority on, well, everything, but especially oil’s impact on plankton. Taft, a one-man wrecking machine, will push Jennings to the brink, but not before we hear amazingly unhinged dialogue from our British warlord:
“Go ahead! Shoot me, go on! Shoot me, you fucking coward! You haven’t got the fucking guts!” While it certainly leaps off the paper, it’s best experienced in real time. He continues. “Is this the one who’s got you all concerned about the dirty snow? Jesus, Forrest! You and me, we bought hookers better than this for five bucks in Bangkok!” And so they did. Moving forward, he’s blasts the FBI as “not being able to find a hooker in a whorehouse.” As workers flee the burning rig, he bellows, Lear-like: “You’re a bunch of gutless pricks! You yellow bastard!” There’s more, but you have better things to do.
In all, it really is a shame Jennings has to die. Maybe he’s too pure for this world; a mad genius who brings jobs and wealth and esteem to the wilderness, at the mere cost of a few trees. And an entire culture. But no matter. He understands that in order to bring lasting impact, you have to play to the cheap seats. Grind, strut, swear, and sweat, all in the name of unprecedented evil. We love our maniacs bold and brash and larger than life. Jennings is that in spades, and few have done it better.
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