So… I have a lot of excess baggage, and a lot of past pain I need to shed. For nine years, I was a really bad drug addict/junkie, or as I preferred to be called a narcotics enthusiast. I used to refer to myself as a garbage pail. See, that was a term I used for myself non ironically.
The term garbage pail refers to the fact that I had no problems stuffing any exotic substance into my body without restraint. Weed, alcohol, opiates, benzos, barbiturates, methamphetamine, muscle relaxers, cocaine, antihistamines, etc… If you can think of it, name it, illegally use it, or excessively over abuse it. My garbage pail ass probably over did it.
Now to me, it seemed for the longest damn time, my entire life and my entire reality had all been shaped by what could be accurately called an extreme alcohol and narcotics addiction. It had a serious hold over my life, and everything that happened in it. It broke me down, and made me into a white slave.
It affected my decisions. It affected my romantic relationships. It affected my familiar relationships. It affected my working relationship. I was basically a white slave. It was fucking embarrassing. And it basically ate up a good chunk of the first half of probably my entire life, given how long men live, to be in this country, age wise.
I also caught hepatitis C. I shared needles. I had unprotected sex. I did all sorts of horrible, horrible, risky things. Things that should have probably killed me but they didn’t. Starting next month, I’m fixing some of my problems. First of all, I’m getting my blood borne diseases taken care of the medication prescribed by my doctor. It’s a miracle pill that finally kills off that horrible virus in my liver or as some scientists have nicknamed it, “The Destroying Angel.” I’m referring of course to the virus Hepatitis C.
It’s a good name for it. Did you know that before the scientists discovered the biological blueprint known as Hepatitis C, it was lumped in with the other hepatitis’s. It was originally known as non-Hepatitis A or B. Plus when they did finally discover it, they were so impressed by its complex biological makeup on a purely genetic level. That they said if it wasn’t for the fact that it was such a vicious bloodborne virus dedicated to complete liver corrosion against you.
It was a very beautiful, complicated, complex, amazing viral organism. It was way more complex than the HIV virus. More resilient than the AIDS virus. So unique it couldn’t be classified as alive or dead technically. It was almost suspiciously complex in fact. It seems like it should have been invented by man in a lab, but it wasn’t surprisingly.
You also got to factor in those devious chemicals as they wreak havoc on the wiring in your brain. That turns a good working quick, clever, adaptable, biologically efficient learning brain, into a dumb infinity looping cycle of the following.
Hurting/yearning/then hustle/get reward/up chem levels/rest/down chem levels/and repeat…
This fucking idiotic looping playback system will have your brain on a permanent figure eight snake. That constantly eats its own tail, over and on, and over again. On, and motherfucking on forever…
You do the hustling, as you crave it, you get that bullshit reward. In turn, raising those serotonin levels. Followed up with a filling if that lizard brain with large quantities of dopamine. Hustle gives serotonin, liquidized narcotic injected intravenously rewards you with euphoria/dopamine. Contentment breeds fatigue. Fatigue leads to rest, and REM triggered rest reboots every fucking thing!
Now we loop back to the beginning. Where you awaken drained, and feeling shitty. Completely sick, completely hungrily craving. A need you can’t begin to articulate. You have rock bottom dopamine/serotonin chemical levels in your exhausted brain. So now you restart…
Time to fucking feel the loop. Hurting/yearning/then hustle/get reward/up chem levels/rest/down chem levels/and repeat, restart, repeat, and fucking on it goes. It’s a vicious cycle that never ends.
You also got to factor in relationships with the opposite sex, or maybe you got some children, and a really good steady job. Well, guess what? Those things can’t coexist at the same time. Not successfully anyways you poor, poor cocksucker.
Crazy drug reward, repeat cycle. They just can’t live together. Eventually you lose everything. That’s what happened to me. I lost everything. Absolutely everything.
I lost some very important romantic relationships. Long term, multi-year relationships that I value very much. I lost them because of my emotional weaknesses, combined with my degenerate ass drug addiction.
You know, I’ve been clean off the hardcore opiates, six years removed from the daily hard drug banging cycle. I’ve been clean, off using gear for narcotics for over half a decade. With the exception of me taking my daily prescribed Buprenorphine/Naloxone tablets. Which I only ingest sublingually.
The issue that I run into now, is the why. As in, why would, should, I want to stay clean? Why do I want to stay out of social situations, and events? Why do I even bother waking up in the morning? Why do I even bother trying to start, have, maintain, or keep any romantic relationships at all? Most importantly, why have I not gotten around to voluntarily eating some twelve-gauge buckshot directly to my face?
I have no fucking answers. I have no motivation. I have every reason to give the fuck up. I don’t know, yet I am gonna try. I’m gonna give it my best and hopefully, hopefully, with extra, extra effort. I can one day take those first baby steps in a life changing positive direction.
Hopefully I can settle down, meet my future partner, maybe have that other child. Start a new and improved life. Then the madness can finally end. I am having an addiction conniption…