Category: 80s Action
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The Dead Pool (1988)
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Read more: The Dead Pool (1988)Tagline: Dirty Harry Just Learned A New Game Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Movies don’t kill people, Dirty Harry does. Homoeroticism: Early on, we see a young Jim Carrey (as rock star Johnny Squares) prancing around in a leather outfit to the tune of “Welcome to the Jungle,” but that’s…
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Sudden Impact (1983)
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Read more: Sudden Impact (1983)Tagline: Two killers are at large. One of them is Dirty Harry. Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Revenge is best served with a comically farting dog. Homoeroticism: All in all, this is probably the most disappointingly hetero movie in the whole series, as Harry gets closer to a woman than…
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Magnum Force (1973)
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Read more: Magnum Force (1973)Tagline: This time the bullets are hitting pretty close to home! Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Harry could just kill his Stupid Chief this time. Homoeroticism: Once again limited almost exclusively to the fetishization of guns, beginning with the opening credits sequence, which consists of a very long shot of…
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Dirty Harry (1971)
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Read more: Dirty Harry (1971)Tagline: Dirty Harry and the homicidal maniac. Harry’s the one with the badge. Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Only bullets can repair a broken system. Homoeroticism: Limited almost exclusively to the fetishization of guns, which of course represent dicks in the 80s Action canon, of which this is arguably the…
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Eight Wince-Inducing Moments in Movies*
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Read more: Eight Wince-Inducing Moments in Movies*Sew Tough! I was about fourteen when I first caught First Blood on home video, the perfect age to vicariously revel in such macho histrionics. Immediately afterwards, I ran outside, knocked the first motorcyclist I saw to the ground, and headed off for the woods at breakneck speed with an imaginary entire police force hot…
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Death Race 2000
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Read more: Death Race 2000The greatest film of all time. To involve David Carradine.
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Invasion U.S.A
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Read more: Invasion U.S.AMatt Hunter is tired. Once a proud Company Man, and one of the few on the payroll with full beard and bare chest, he’s more a Lion in Winter circa 1985, with nothing left to prove and no arms left to break. Leaving behind a world on the brink, he’s retired to Florida … the…
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Days of Thunder
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Read more: Days of ThunderJesus H. Christ in a Deep Fryer, Tom Cruise’s character is named Cole Trickle!
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Blood Dragon: The Video Game
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Read more: Blood Dragon: The Video GameTagline: Welcome to the Future. The Year is 2007. Entire Story in Fewer Words than are in this Sentence: Michael Biehn gives voice acting a go. Homoeroticism: Despite being a love letter to 80s action films, Blood Dragon has very little in this category. Our lead, Rex “Power” Colt, makes constant references to balls, but,…
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Ricochet (1991)
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Read more: Ricochet (1991)Tagline: “He’s a cop accused of murder. And the only man who knows he’s innocent is the killer who framed him. This is one case that’s going to be settled out of court.” Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Homicidal maniac obsesses over hot black sex cop. Homoeroticism: It is perhaps…