Category: Rants

Being an ex-teacher, I naturally hate kids. For almost four years I had to endure their relentless energy, selfishness, demands, spite and mediocrity, leaving me with the impression that the average child shares a lot in common with a small, intoxicated, unruly visitor from outer space. Think of a half-cut E.T. kicking your shins and…

There’s a famous old Peter Cook and Dudley Moore sketch in which a one-legged actor auditions for Tarzan. The casting agent can’t believe what he’s being confronted with (“I’ve got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you”) while the disabled actor remains oblivious to his chances of snagging the athletic role.…

Cinema is littered with ridiculous turns, most of them delivered by Nic Cage. Talented as he is at scenery chewing (as anyone who’s seen Con Air or The Wicker Man remake will attest) I still don’t think his frequent hammy excesses can ever reach the level of Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest. This 1981 travesty…

We’re all gonna die. It’s a sobering thought, but we cling to the hope it’ll be relatively painless and perhaps even dignified. But what if it isn’t? What happens if you end up like one of those Pan Am passengers in the 1988 Lockerbie Bombing perched atop a Scottish roof still strapped into a seat…

Do you ever do that thing, perhaps while life hasn’t been treating you too brilliantly, when you start reading up on sicko Nazi and serial killer shit? You don’t mean to (perhaps you’ve got a spare half-hour between charity commitments) but somehow you’re disappearing into the bowels of the internet consuming blood-drenched pages about medieval…

One-He wants ALL the film merch of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure that they only released in Japan and Burma and include characters that weren’t in the movie like ‘Mecha-Francis’;,  Two-He wants the power to mix and match the lesser-known, overlooked film actors he feels haven’t been bathed in divine glory as he believes, in his…

The greatest alternative movie theory of all time is MY OWN. You’ve seen this film I trust. If you haven’t there are major spoilers beyond: DO NOT ENTER. Now then, I want you to take a long look at that poster because the art was not formulated by accident. Cormac McCarthy, who wrote the novel,…

At the beginning of Rocky IV, Rocky and Apollo dance around the ring throwing mock insults but essentially admiring each other’s physiques. It’s one of moviedom’s gayest starts, especially with lines like “I’m gonna whip your butt” and “You really look good for an older guy.” To be honest, it’s a bit of a surprise…