Category: Features
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Dwayne Johnson Is A Box Office Terrorist
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Read more: Dwayne Johnson Is A Box Office TerroristSome dopey fuck watched Die Hard and came to the conclusion that the core ingredients of its success are these three things: a tall building, foot injuries and duct tape. Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson has one leg. His family is trapped in a burning skyscraper. He uses duct tape to rescue his family on three…
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Aladdin (2019)
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Read more: Aladdin (2019)A problem with your REMAKE!! As Disney continues to chew through live-action remakes of animated classics with Aladdin as the latest, all I can think is when will it end? The recently released Dumbo came and went with little notice, got panned by more critics than not and, depending on the marketing budget, will be…
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Brightburn (2019)
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Read more: Brightburn (2019)I have been reading with utter disbelief some of the glowing reviews by IMDB users for the movie Brightburn. This sci-fi, Superman, horror, Omen tear-off is one of the lamest, most pointless attempts at a horror (or whatever it thought it was) film that I have ever watched. The review will most likely be mercifully…
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John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum
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Read more: John Wick: Chapter 3 – ParabellumDifficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an inexplicably high 85% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Brimming with confidence, Summit Entertainment…
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Pokemon: Detective Pikachu
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Read more: Pokemon: Detective PikachuGo or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints about me being stupid. Anyway, players make decks of creatures…
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UglyDolls
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Read more: UglyDollsFugley. What movie did we see last night?Uglydolls. Why was it called UglyDolls?Cuz Fuglers are ugly. What is a Fugler?Funny. Ugly. Cute. And how do you know about fuglers?BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THEM!!! They’re basically stuffed animals. Do fugler toys talk like in the movie?Uh, no, but they can make friends. They’re not animatronics or anything,…
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Hellboy (2019)
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Read more: Hellboy (2019)Somebody crack a window. Did you know there was a remake of Hellboy coming out this year? Did you even know there was an original Hellboy released back in 2004 and a sequel released in 2008? Do you think I am making up a movie that is actually titled Hellboy on purpose? Those are all…
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The Curse of La Llorona
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Read more: The Curse of La LloronaDo you know where your children are? As parents, we tell our kids all kinds of lies to get them to behave. Right now, you are thinking of Santa Claus. Jolly old St. Nick is mostly a harmless lie, unless you subscribe to evil versions of Santa like Krampus or Tim Allen. Be good and…
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Pet Sematary (2019)
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Read more: Pet Sematary (2019)Pet Sematary is one of Stephen King’s most popular horror novels that has been adapted for the movie screen 3 times now. The original 1989 Pet Sematary was most famous for that insane grey cat, the cute little kid getting smashed to smithereens by a semi, and for Fred Gwynne as Jud. It was a…
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Shazam!
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Read more: Shazam!Tag. You’re it! If ever a movie was being given a massive pass for not being the next putrid entry in the DC Extended Universe (DCEU), Shazam! is it. Currently, it sits at 93% positive critics ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, which ties it for best in the franchise with Wonder Woman. In no universe, including…