POTUS: Woodrow Wilson
White House Years: 1913-1921
Nickname(s): Woody, The Professor
Rumored Penis Size: 7.5 inches
Famous Quote: “I not only use all the brains that I have, but all I can borrow. The cock, though, that shit’s all me.”
Celebrity Notches: Mary Peck, Lillian Gish, Lloyd George
The State of His Unions: Thomas Woodrow Wilson was a pervert. He never stopped thinking about sex, and after a recent study, it was concluded that 87% of his presidential correspondence concerned his own genitalia. After the death of his first wife Ellen, he paused, wiped his brow, said a prayer, and started seducing Edith Bolling Galt by the time he got downstairs. He was married an hour later. Always insecure about his odd face, rotten teeth, and authoritarian tendencies, Wilson used his intellect to seduce, court, and eventually bed hundreds of fair maidens during his White House years. While a near-fatal stroke in 1919 all but ended his years of intercourse, he was not above demanding blowjobs from nurses, pages, and Senators alike, often with red-faced hysteria. Historians even speculate that the League of Nations ultimately failed due to Wilson’s insistence on the now-notorious “Clause 6a,” which mandated Presidential hummers in lieu of reparations.
POTUS: Dwight Eisenhower
White House Years: 1953-1961
Nickname(s): Ike, General, Balls McGillicuddy
Rumored Penis Size: 8.4 inches
Famous Quote: “I shall go to Korea. For the whorehouses. Oh, and peace. But mostly the whorehouses.”
Celebrity Notches: Kay Summersby, the Queen Mum, a good three dozen Normandy widows
The State of His Unions: Ike liked to fuck. He hated war, but only because it meant he wasn’t fucking. Only it kinda meant the opposite. Eisenhower used the cover of war to seduce hundreds, if not thousands, of lonely Germans, Russians, and Belgians. He even took pity on the French. While D-Day technically saved Western civilization, make no mistake: the original plan was to have Ike parachute in, seduce Eva Braun, and call it an afternoon. Few historians worth a damn disagree. Once he was president, Ike slowed down a bit, though his massive 1955 heart attack was actually the result of him trying to sneak out of the upper bedroom of his in-laws’ house to frequent the thriving Denver red light district. After convalescing, Ike took stock. He likely never fucked again. His final years were full of sadness, regret, impotence, and an even homelier Mamie.
POTUS: James Buchanan
White House Years: 1857-1861
Nickname(s): Old Buck, Aunt Nancy, Ten-Cent Jimmy
Rumored Penis Size: 14.8 inches
Famous Quote: “I am at last President of the United States! Now where are the Oval Office glory holes?”
Celebrity Notches: William Rufus King, Walt Whitman
The State of His Unions: As our one and only gay president, Jimmy B. was a lonely soul, never escaping the prison of a less enlightened age. Still, he fucked. A lot. Some say his presidential bid was but a ruse to escape persistent rumors that he infected half of Lancaster, PA with syphilis. And yet, he longed. Yearned. Stared blankly out of many a White House window in search of knowing glances or come-hither looks. Still, no one came. Especially James. History is pretty much convinced 99% of his sexual encounters occurred before the presidency, though one wonders about the secret room found in the White House basement with more leather and straps than a D.C. tannery.
POTUS: William Henry Harrison
White House Years: 1841
Nickname(s): Tippecanoe, Old Tip, Stands With a Harlot
Rumored Penis Size: 5.3 inches
Famous Quote: “Times change, and we change with them. My predilection for anal, however, is eternal.”
Celebrity Notches: Susan B. Anthony, Margaret Fuller
The State of His Unions: As history notes, William Henry Harrison was elected in November 1840, took a few naps, gave an inaugural speech, and died weeks later. In all, he served but 31 days, 30 of which were in a state of feverish delirium. Some say pneumonia sent him on his way, but new research indicates homicide. A brutal homicide. Had Harrison lived, it was said, slavery was to be outlawed. Not in some states, but all states. For all time. Oh wait. Not that slavery. I mean white slavery. Prostitution. True liberation for every working girl. Old Bill is rumored to have bedded more ladies of the night than anyone in American history, and his White House desk was so stuffed with pending appointments, it took months to sort everything out. Sadly, his successor, John Tyler, had everything burned, including his personal copy of the Constitution.
POTUS: Ulysses S. Grant
White House Years: 1869-1877
Nickname(s): The Butcher, Whiskey Breath, Civil War Michael Douglas
Rumored Penis Size: 7.7 proud Union inches
Famous Quote: “Let us have peace. And pussy. But mostly pussy.”
Celebrity Notches: Mary Todd Lincoln, Katherine Chase Sprague, The Confederacy
The State of His Unions: Until Michael Douglas, no American had ever been afflicted with throat cancer due to an obsession with cunnilingus. Sadly, Grant could not beat his affliction, and died soon after his heroic efforts to complete his memoirs. The book was finished – and sold well – and he saved his family as a result. Only wife Julia wasn’t listening. She alone knew the truth, and she spent the rest of her days having her own pussy invaded by a host of ex-Confederate officials. It’s said her most frequent and lasting lover was Jefferson Davis himself. As for Grant, he was a soldier. And a drinker. And it’s said the terms of Appomattox hinged on his willingness to stay away from Southern snatch forevermore.
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