“The modern audience”
They did it again, they ruined something I loved, and the poor executives had no choice but to do it, such is their power, such is their reach.
[scratchy audio]
Mr. Cobb: Is that them…them, coming out of Applebee’s, it looks like them[inaudible] What do you mean “how are they supposed to look?” They are single-handedly responsible for the lunge of American cinema away from anything resembling a coherent artistic thought. Well, if it isn’t them, thenâ¦there! That gang of faux-hawks by the Barnes & Noble! No? You sure? Well, we’ve been here for exactly [looks at watch] 4 minutes and we have yet to spot this crowd of villains who turned everything to shit as if by magic.
If they were truly everywhere they’d be here, outside Cinema 11 in 30-degree weather on a Thursday [inaudible, static] Bring! [inaudible, static] so I can pop their eyeballs with a Carpenter’s Stave and spill their aqueous humors all over the goddam mid-city commercial zone…SHOW THEM TO ME! [inaudible, static] …wrath will not be quenched until I have confronted and defeated THE MODERN AUDIENCE in open fisticuffs!
Him! The guy with big arms but spindly legs? Her! the bitch wearing oversize sunglasses…at night.
Well, WHO THEN? Speak! The blood of Odin IS UPON ME! [shrill, war-like screaming, loud thump] [End audio transcript]
–Transcript of Exterior surveillance. Evidence tag: i300g-18-2023, Entered into evidence by Barney Flumm Esq.,City of Opelousas v. Cobb.
For all my chest cutting, for all my ceremonial wine imbibing, for all my appeals to Asgard, the Weary War Father sent nary a raven to point them out, that horde of ice giants, The “Modern Audience’ But I announce, here, now, and hopefully early enough for Nobel consideration, that through SCIENCE! I have uncovered that squad of tyrants that they may know our wrath!
Like the Ice Giants, the modern audience is responsible for everything bad in modern movies, but unlike Bjorn’s entertaining excuse as to why little Smoedel’s never seen the sun, the modern audience is all too real…
…or is it?
Quick! To Science!
We know they exist, because at every point in the making of a movie they are invoked, at the beginning: “We’re so excited about the new James Bond idea, but do you think he’ll be popular with modern audiences?”:
…in pre-production: *These sketches of the villain’s lair are great, top notch, but how do you think the Modern Audience will take a Bond villain who lives in a volcano surrounded by scantily-clad sex slaves”
…in the middle: “Yes, we know she has a gun on him and he has 11 seconds to disarm a nukeâbut do you think hitting a woman will jibe with the ‘modern audience’.
…in post production “Don’t you think Bond should cry here…modern audiences love that, not for a specific reason but just because, you know, ‘Mondays’.”
…during promotion: “The gun is gone, we gave Bond a whistle because Modern Audiences are very aware of toxic masculinity and he’s bigger than that, squealing for help is just as proactive and we show he’s not above needing a boost from the half dozen brown people we shoehorned in and made cannon for that precise purpose.”
So, the ‘Modern Audience’ is real, in fact, it’s so imposing it gets, no…it demands ridiculous narrative leaps and preposterous algorithmic repeat loops to satisfy its extremely precise but unerring taste in cinema.
But who is this Modern Audience? Science! –Well, to be a Modern Audience, it must not be an ancient one and by ‘ancient’ I mean old enough to know that Han shot first. So, generously, that’s anything after 1995 (not 1997, because even two-year-olds in 1997 knew Greedo couldn’t have missed from 18 inches away), so then a ‘Modern Audience’ is 27 years or younger, gotcha [sound of manual calculator being hand cranked I [snik-snik-chik-chak-bing!]
The ‘Modern Audience’ demands things: who between the ages 0 and 27 has the power to demand of an American Industry to such an intimidating degree that they change the recipe of their product, a range: sixteen and up? More than that, let’s be generous and say 12 and up. Now, continuing our deduction, how many of the current batch of 12 to 27 years olds would clamor for, say, race switching Anne Boleyn, Ceasar, Wilhelm or Johnny Appleseed…I’d bet one does not ‘clamor’ for such things until one has tasted the acrid fumes of academia, (so Science! whittles our range of possibilities to 18 to 27 years, well, give it a year to set in,) 19- to 27-year-olds. But Only 19 to 27 years olds who went to college and imbibed those fumes would do anything like ‘clamor’ or ‘petition’ right? Since only a third of Americans go to college, the Modern Audience can now be represented as A= [set 19â27-year-olds] L, divided by 3
…Wait! Not all 19-27 college attendees come out woke, not enough to put financial pressure on a major Hollywood studio, so let’s say the college right-wing orgs plus a mathematically feasible group of “unaffecteds” can represent the unwoke slice of the student body, that’s roughly 20 pct, (right-wing political org numbers on U.S. Campi plus a measly 2 pct) so A=L/3 (.20)[snik-snik-chik-chak-Bing!] then we remove those that don’t actually watch movies, half of white males and a third of white females, [snik-snik-chik-chak-Bing!], the estimate of minorities who are over it [snik-snak], any fan of Dave Chapelle, Jordan Petersen, or Joe Rogan still remaining, so this means the actual size of the ‘Modern Audience’ as catered to by Hollywood is represented by the equation:
A=L/3(.20)-!
…aaaaaand [snik-snak-chik-chak-Bing!]
…adjusting for Coachella [snik-chik-chak]
…the modern audience is: [chik-Bing!)
This bitch. This the Bitch, right here.
Picture 1: An ugly female SJW
There she is! Your Modern Au-di-ence! There she is! Entitled and feared. She took tinsel town by storm with her utter lack of charm and warned that if there are be any white boys here Goddammit-so-help-me-they better be queer.
I’ve done the math, people. THAT! was the reason Ghostbusters 2016 set off a wave of wailing and renting of clothes, that’s Rey, and homosexual Disney dogs, and why Batwoman was called iconic, and why riding Pirates of the Carribean is awful, now that the only things the animatronic pirates do is darn their socks and drink low-acid cucumber juice…simply to appease THAT!
Companies with bee-illions in equity fear THAT!
THAT! has middle-aged cokeheads tossing and turning?
THAT! has been the reason everything took a dip in the shitter?
THAT?!
THIS?!
THEX?! THEX! Is the reason 4000 Orange County MBAs suddenly forgot the first rule of sales “Never kick your customer” Then the second rule of sales: “Twenty-something bull dykes buy two thingsâ¦red bull and sperm.” We found it at last! Now we, with our pitchforks, will destroy the unnatural foe! Arise brothers! To the cobblestones! This monster will not harry our peaceful village ever again! Arise!
…what do you mean THAT! isn’t the ‘Modern Audience’, I have science! I have page after page of good, decent, forthright studio executives’ testimony, that THAT! is the reason Superman made out with a dude!
They wouldn’t lie! They wouldn’t hide behind an extra-chromosomal gorgon in order to justify the inclusion of their own political radicalism over their own business interest, the will of the customer base, the industry-destroying dissolution of trust…THIS!
THIS! is the only scientifically possible solution unless you start believing conspiracy theories about crazed leftists ignoring the pillars of business because of an unchecked echo chamber that convinces them to masturbate on a century of American art and industry as a liberating movement only they have the capacity to lead or understand.
Poppy…cock…
It is much more feasible that this one, disturbing….frankly, upsetting individual…is the svengali manipulator and memory eraser of thousands of Ivy League graduates…(and shameless recipients of Jewish nepotism)…NAY! My studious brethren! With one fork-stab or wagon-drag we can end this witchcraft forever!
Cinephiles of the World Unite! We have nothing to lose but a bi-curious Optimus Prime!
…