Masters of the Universe (1987) is not really considered an 80’s Action movie except for the overwhelming presence of one Dolph Lundgren. This puts things over the top and into perspective. Like Arnold, Dolph is Adonis, a God, and must be treated as such. The movie sucked at the time, but there were several great performances, Dolph for just his body, Langella who was unrecognizable under his make-up as Skeletor, and James Tolkan as the dumber than dirt Stupid Chief.
Tagline:
A battle fought in the Stars…Now comes to earth
Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:
Dolph, Midgets, Tits combine to defeat the Evil Skeletor
Homoeroticism:
Very little. Look, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation without Dolph, except that Dolph was ripped, oiled, tanned, huge, and virtually naked the entire film. This reality supports diamond-cutter boners for the entire 106 minutes of the movie. And of course, He-Man was also chained and whipped by Skeletor’s henchmen, so that scene alone ensured the gayness of this non-sausage fest.
Corpse Count:
It’s hard to tell since this film was a totally bloodless and milquetoast PG. With mere sparks flying and a lot of flailing, it could have been that no one died at all.
Novelty Deaths:
None, for the above-mentioned reason but I guess the defeat and fall of Skeletor into some sort of Red Infinity Cone was the best. . Skeletor also dispatched one of his Fabulous Four, a bumbling crew of Uglies, that were almost as competent as Detective Lubic. I will have to say that I enjoyed that death the most as they looked so hapless, defeated and worthless.
How Bad Was it Really?
Pretty horrible. It was a low budget film to begin with, but it ran into a lot of problems. The film was brought under budget, but the powers to be said “fuck it” and the Director Gary Goddard had to chip in his own money to cobble together some sort of ending for the movie to be sent to the theaters. It was a dismal flop and almost took the flourishing He-Man Action toy franchise with it, but it has aged well. Thanks again, Dolph.
Was there a Stupid Chief?
Oh My Fucking Goat! Are you kidding me? James Tolkan was simply wonderful as the bumbling, Columbo-style cop who could not get out of his own way. Apparently this town had only the law-enforcement presence of Mayberry, minus Andy. His inept presence in every scene made him the unsung hero of this movie. He totally undermined the plans of the Super-Heros when they were trying to keyboard their way back to save the Sorceress. As far as a total fuck-up, he had no peer. In the final battle, he realizes his error and tries to go Pvt. Hudson (Aliens) on the crew, but it does not quite have the same effect. We don’t see him in battle again, as He-Man and Skeletor initiate their final battle. He does inexplicably get the girl at the end and decides to stay on the planet and not return to Earth. Good choice.
Post-Mortem One Liners:
None.
More Quotes and one-liners:
- “Never think while you’re hungry” -Duncan
- “Where are they? Where are your friends now? Tell me about the loneliness of good, He-Man. Is it equal to the loneliness of evil?” -Skeletor
- “When this is over, you’re going to jail. Accessory to assault, resisting arrest, endangering lives. I guarantee you, you and all your buddies. I’m gonna put you away for 850 years. ” -Detective Lubic
- “Really? How sensitive you are. Can you feel – this? ” -Skeletor to the Sorceresses
- “I’ll be Back” -Skeletor
- “Look you’ve got the wrong song maker, Gwildor; I’m just a stupid keyboard player in a high school band. There’s a million of me. -Kevin
- “Well what do you know? The mountain comes to Mohammed. ” -Detective Lubic
- “You promised not to hurt them!” -He-Man
- “I lied!” Farewell, He-Man!” -Skeletor
Stupid Political Content:
Thankfully none, Midgets were Midgets and women made sammiches.
Was there an Atomic Blast at the end?
No, but they actually almost burned down the school gymnasium while they were shooting this film. The fire was put out, but the building was heavily damaged. They also unintentionally wrecked the storefront in the shoot-out scene. Serious damage was done to the town and was not amusing to the occupants. Fortunately, they only shot at night, so actual DEATHS were held to a minimum.
Special Ruthless Ratings -or- What I learned from Masters of the Universe
- Dolph was huge, and looked even bigger than in Rocky IV
- Ribs are tasty, no matter what part of the Universe you hail from
- For a movie that by all metrics was horrible, it was pretty enjoyable
- The number of times I paused the movie: Zero, I just let it run as I got a beer, took a piss, whatever
- Was this movie’s music just a cheap Star Wars knock-off?- Of course, but who cares?
- Anything else? Guilty Pleasure