HARD TO KILL

Released: 1990

Erich thinks he is immune to the homoeroticism...

Tagline

He's LA detective, Mason Storm. Three hired assassins left him for dead. And he's waited seven years to even the score.

Entire Story in Fewer Words Than are in This Sentence

Seagal wakes from a coma to avenge his family.

Homoeroticism:

The rise of Seagal represents a decline in the gayness of 80s Action. There are still vestiges of the old way. For example, when Seagal tries to have sex with his wife, she is shot. These strands of gayness are more than balanced by the fact that Seagal kisses two different women in the film and grabs both of their asses. That's two more women than Arnold has kissed in his entire career and the ass grabbing is unprecedented in 80s Action. Finally, in a scene symbolizing the emergence of the American male from a decade of crypto-gayness, Seagal wakes from a seven-year coma immediately after the hot female nurse compliments him on the size of his penis.

Corpse Count:

By a strict measure, only 17. But remember, Seagal is more inclined to administer horrible beatings than pull a trigger so the survival of his victims is often an open question. If a 6"4, world class, martial arts expert hits you as hard as he can on the top of the head with the butt of a pool cue, are you dead? Probably, but that's not good enough for the Corpse Count. Rest assured, however, that this is an adequately violent film. Seagal offers several of his trademark limb snaps, which I find far more satisfying than some run-of-the-mill shooting.

Novelty Death:

It's tough to pick only one, but I will. When Seagal gets his hands on the second highest bad guy he breaks the guy's arm in half at the elbow and then grabs his throat. Rather than simply strangling the man, Seagal crushes his trachea.

Best Pre-Mortem One Liner:

An absolute howler. Seagal realizes that a corrupt politician is the architect of his wife's murder after hearing the senator's catchphrase on a TV commercial: "You can take that to the bank." Seagal says, "I'm going to take you to the bank. The blood bank."

Stupid Political Content:

This is another area in which the rise of Seagal equals the decline of the 80s Action archetype. Once again, he seems more concerned with stamping out quasi-fascist elements in society, such as power mongering, right-wing politicians and crooked cops than in promoting fascism himself. Ann Coulter would call him a traitor.

How Bad Is It Really?

Fairly bad, although still a cut above your typical Chuck Norris film. Cheese abounds, as when Kelly LeBrock walks up to Seagal's character, Mason Storm, who is training for revenge. He punches a board really hard and there's a cut away to her standing in the wind. She softly says, "Mason Storm," shaking her head in awe. Very funny. Equally funny is a scene in which a hospitalized Seagal is wheeling his gurney away from a bad guy. Storm makes it into an elevator and instead of shooting as the doors close, the bad guy just waves his gun and says, "I'll get you Storm!"

What You Learned

Kelly LeBrock is way hotter than I remembered her being. Bullets cannot hit you if you are either laying down or in a convertible.