Either I just witnessed the birth of a new fetish or the guys in Ear Cum all just have really shitty aim. It must have been a tough week for these girls after shooting this one—it’s bad enough having seawater stuck in there, let alone a heroic dose of woodboogers. Apparently Peter North’s scene was cut from the film after he gave his costar a fatal case of hydrocephalus.

Scene 1 sees Kelly Kline and Taryn Thomas gobbling some lucky man’s dork while he looks on with all the vivacity of Larry Sellers. This film doesn’t contain any vaginal or anal, which I would be upset about if my hard drive didn’t contain enough smut to make a zombie Jefferson come back and cross out the First Amendment. Usually when I’m reviewing this stuff I’m too busy trying to think of a fresh euphemism for “ejaculate” to become aroused, but I couldn’t help being turned on by the lovely Kelly leaning over Taryn with jizz dangling off her earlobe…great--now I won’t be able to look at Ben Stiller without getting a Pavlovian chubby.

As I watched Scene 2, I found myself truly in awe at the speed with which Angela Stone gives throatjobs—it sounded like Chewbacca was hosting an auction. After an extensive viewing of one of these “X-treme” pornos, I always find myself needing to wind down with a couple days of Facebook fapping. To close this scene out, the guy alternates between facefucking the two girls before he readies, aims and…misses?! Dude, does this look like Hair Cum to you? Think of all the ear fetishists you’ve let down with your errant money shot. Congratulations; you are the John Hinckley of porn.

Scene 3 gives us a rare sight in Michelle B: an adult film star with a British accent. You know, when are we going to wake up and realize we’re outsourcing all the porn jobs that should be going to American trauma survivors? By the way, how does an agent even approach someone about a role in Ear Cum? “So, I’ll just be doing the standard double anal and having eight guys cum on my face, right?” “Uh, well, actually…” Anyway, as I watched her ear get filled up with cum like a pool in the spring while confused sperm tried to wriggle their way into her anvil and stirrup, I couldn’t help but picture a young Trina Michaels being assured by her high school Government teacher, “One day you’re gonna have to know this stuff!”

In a rare feat for women in porn, Roxy Jezel and Daryn Darby engage in such a hot pre-scene dykeout to kick off Scene 4 that they are actually able to give me a boner without being done bodily harm. I was happily admiring Daryn’s big plump ass until the disconcerting thought occurred to me that someone else out there was doing the same thing with her ears…“Ooh, yeah, show me those pinnas, baby…*splurt*” But hey, who am I to judge people’s fetishes when mine has poop come out of it?

Well, now that I’ve crossed “review a movie about cumming in people’s ears” off my list of things to do before I die, I can’t help but wonder what the next step is in the evolution of money shots. Maybe someday I’ll be reviewing 2001: A Space Wad-yssey, where the guys fire their loads off in zero gravity as the girls float around munching down every drop like Homer eating potato chips. At any rate, I will be anxiously waiting to see how the industry manages to find an even more degrading place for its semen to land… “Ooh, baby, cum on these NOW pamphlets!”