"SBTB" is a show that is so morally righteous and politically correct that it eviscerates the human condition and leaves nothing but a hollow shell. The show is devoid of anyone that even resembles a real person, even though it makes numerous attempts at enacting and then pathetically solving real situations. This is the show that was made specifically as an empty exercise, and fits the bill as that which even the most righteous, God-fearing mother would let their kid watch. Yet "SBTB" was an inexplicable hit among adolescents during the early ’90s, and much of my generation looks back on this show fondly, and with humor. The show is painful and embarrassing to revisit, but the ridiculousness of it is astounding, and it’s worth revisiting simply for the sake of mockery. None but the lovely Tiffani Thiessen survived the career-defining (read: wrecking) halls of Bayside High, and she escaped simply because "SBTB" unwittingly made her an amateur-ejaculatory stimulus among us now late teenagers and early 20-year-olds. Really, that’s what I think it all comes down to: We were kids, and the models on-screen were hot and in school, our parents were out, and the tissue box was full. All I remember is Kelly in short shirts and skirts; Jessie sometimes being hot; being frustrated by Lisa, who never showed too much skin; Zach having dozens of girls flock to him at any given time (and never getting laid); and AC Slater (still one of the dumbest names of all time and probably Vin Diesel’s sole inspiration) pumping iron in the gym to the canned woos from the fake audience. And of course there’s Screech, who delightfully turned out to be the most depraved human of the whole bunch, with Jessie coming in a very distant and laughable second.

That’s the other fascinating thing about "SBTB": The show designed many of the actors' real lives after the show. It still boggles my mind that Jessie, who played the uptight superfeminist with strict morals, a proper dress code and huge desire to be the best of the best, turned right around and did the whole “fuck you, Daddy!” stereotype on the big screen. Once in a while, that still hits me -- probably because I have way too much free time (think old folks' retirement home), but still! "SBTB" led her on to Showgirls, which destroyed any hope for a future. Mario Lopez (Slater), from what I gather, is playing the jock on some male version of The View, drooled on by old menopausal housewives with chasms wrought between child-bored legs, thinking of things to do while fantasizing about Lopez when they force their scared, diminished husbands to sleep with them.

“No Hope with Dope”

Super megastar Johnny Dakota is in town, and he’s coming to Bayside! He’s a tiny hunk of a Spaniard who makes Lisa Turtle faint and Kelly wet. He’s supercool, but is he who he says he is? No, because "Saved by the Bell" is written by home-schooled tards. Johnny Dakota is looking for an anti-drug commercial, so that’s why he’s at Bayside.

Introducing the suave actor to principal Richard Belding, Zach reaches in and wraps his arm around both men and then, with increasing intensity, jerks each man toward each other as he says their respective names and delivers this: "Mr. Belding, I want you to meet Johnny Dakota. Dick, Johnny. Johnny, Dick. Dick, Johnny. Guys, let’s rap." The entire time, Zach is overly happy to jerk Dick and Johnny around and then ask them to “rap” (or wrap, I have no fucking clue, because nobody ever used that word as slang, and if they did, it was probably from decades ago, which is where the writers get their material. Either way, it adds to the strange and uncomfortable homoerotic ambiguity of the scene).

Next, Zach is eerily waiting in the hallway for the returning star and Belding in order to introduce Johnny Dakota to the straight deal with Bayside High. He motions to the staircase as the gang and four nobodies come out of nowhere and rap:

“(Here we go) We’re Bayside students, and we’re no fools, we don’t use drugs, ’cause it’s just not cool. So if you get the offer, simply refuse, ’cause when it comes to drugs, just don’t use!”

As “just don’t use” is sung, Zach, clad completely in denim clothing, nods and throws out the recoiling downward white-boy index finger ‘I’m cool and down with black music and black people’s salute. Jonny meets Kelly and decides to stay, because even megastar Johnny Dakota has rubbed one out to Kelly Kapowski. He then becomes even more cool by bailing Zach out of a “date” in Mr. Belding’s office, and gives Zach his jacket! There is nothing that can stop the onslaught of cool by Johnny Dakota -- or is there? I sense foreshadowing! (Marijuana cannot come from inside Bayside High, a California-based high school of the early ’90s; it must come from the outside and be presented by a lucrative source).

In the next scene, Zach and Slater find a roach on the bathroom floor (fact: Like the insect, “roach” is the only slang to have ever walked through the holocaust of "Saved by the Bell" and survived). Johnny randomly walks into the bathroom, “flushes” the roach down the toilet and walks out. Johnny is impressed with the sincerity of Zach and Slater, who strongly declare that they had nothing to do with that hideous, evil thing, so Johnny wants to cast them (and by default, the rest of the crew) in his commercial. So they’re sitting around discussing how uncool it is to use by talking about how losers like Len Bias and John Belushi abused drugs. Jessie chimes in to remind us that once she had hurt not only herself but her friends as well when she was using caffeine pills -- not diet pills: She was taking caffeine pills to be able to juggle studying and dancing.

Cut back to the bathroom, where a giant meathead named Scud touting a Slayer shirt is accused of smoking pot by Zach and Slater, but he’s only smoking a cigarette. “I’m not that stupid!” yells Scud. Morris is quick to remind him that cigarettes can kill as well, and snuffs it out. I sincerely hope somebody in high school was maimed by Zach and Slater because they were acting under the influence.

Back at the Maxx, Johnny is mackin’ on Kelly. Everyone shows up for one reason or another, and he invites them to his pad for a party that weekend. Screech wonders if the characters of "The Simpsons" are going to be at this Hollywood get-together. Phillip Roth, move over: "Saved by the Bell" writers are in town!

Dakota’s place is rich, garish, and filled with beautiful women who don’t want none of dirty Mexican Slater’s dick. Apparently, it’s across the country in New York, since the Twin Towers are poorly drawn outside the balcony. The women only want people smelling of importance, so Dakota calls Zach his co-star and two lovely women flock to his arms (fact: Zach’s sex life is insinuated as being filled with orgies, as he is often seen at social gatherings with at least two women fawning over his helmet of blonde hair). Screech tries to imitate a stunt double and falls about two feet backwards over the couch and declares that he has hurt his back.

Everyone jumps at the chance to abandon ship on this crummy party full of good-looking people wanting screw anything that moves, so Dakota has to act as if he is definitely going to have sex with Kelly whether she wants to/is conscious or not, and persuades her to stay. Uh-oh, even the canned audience has gone quiet!

Enter some guy in a comically blue suit with a joint that isn’t even lit. He takes a hit and passes it to Johnny. Kelly looks as if she has been presented with a giant dick and has no idea what to do: She stares, mouth wide open, eyes like a lamb’s, as Johnny takes a hit of the vile weed. When Kelly doesn’t want to suck and blow, the guy in the suit announces to everyone at the party (who have nothing better to do than eavesdrop on an "I don’t smoke pot" situation) that she was “just saying no!” and they all horgh at her. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve made fun of people for not smoking pot because they didn’t want to, and have the entire party join in with a chorus of horging and scoffs. Zach re-enters and is equally alarmed at the scene: About seven people are all huddled around a joint the size of a cigarette filter, and Kelly’s mouth refuses to shut. “Come on,” says now Satanic Dakota. “Take a hit. Who doesn’t smoke pot?” Zach snatches up Kelly and they leave. Bayside doesn’t smoke -- that’s who, Hollywood! Take your liberal pot and poon, and get the fuck out!

In Bayside’s hallway, where everything important starts and finishes, Zach is visibly tormented because he still can’t fathom this farce of a commercial and its slimy star. He also has Dakota’s jacket on just so he can take it off and give it to him with extreme prejudice (fact: The actor who played Zach never landed another role, except that "NYPD Blue" thing). They square off and attempt to look tough, but Mr. Belding steps in, brainlessly preventing a catfight. They are redirected to the shooting room (the classroom they use for every class) where the kids are waiting. Zach tells his friends that Johnny wouldn’t listen to his moral cry, so in succession, they exit the room, each with an awful one-liner. Screech is also angry at his lawn, because he is going to turn all his “Johnny Dakota action figures into mulch!” Kelly leaves, setting Johnny off, and he storms out of Bayside.

Not content with the lack of anti-drug propaganda being developed in school, the principal calls up the president of NBC. They make some ridiculous, wince-inducing commercial, while the president of NBC makes cracks about how Belding has it easier, and maybe there was an idea for a TV show to be found in Bayside -- “Nah, it would never work,” he muses. Fucking meta.