Wax Attacks

Hack Watch: Ugly Celeb Husbands

There have always been marriages in the world of celebrity that cause people to say "What the hell was she thinking?!" We have compiled a list of 10 hot women who married 10 ugly men, some of which are also total losers. The list is by no means difinitive, so if you have suggestions - e-mail them along. It is also interesting to note that fully half of these marriages ended in divorce.

I didn't happen to notice anybody associating their name with this dated and painfully unfunny list, so I will assume, given the material, that it was penned by an unattractive woman or a flamingly gay, wannabe-famous man. I cannot divorce myself from the idea that some Bush League Joan Rivers or Mr. Blackwell concocted this list as another insecurity-fueled attempt to elevate themselves above the more successful, or at the very least, the more successful at manipulating their way into fortune. The biggest offense, other than the mere existence of this list that was doubtlessly and inexplicably validated by some number of higher-ups, is that it fails miserably. It is not funny. It is not insightful. It’s meant to get laughs at the expense of others, but all it does is draw the eye behind the curtain where some smug tard is pecking away thinking to themselves "Take that Steadman!"

To the Author: In your efforts to dogpile obvious targets, you have only succeeded in exposing that you, yourself, are totally deficient in your chosen discipline. Please stop, because you've somehow made K-Fed walk taller in my mind.

1. The crown jewel - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. He is not only a total loser, but since they got married he has managed to drag Britney down with him.

Few pop culture occurrences have pleased me more than this head-on double-wide trailer wreck, but to blame a talentless man for exploiting the bottomless wealth of an equally talentless tramp? Whatever hypocritical queen wrote this would turn his ass into a Boeing hangar just to play an extra on Stargate SG-1. Moreover, while stylistically unconscious, K-Fed is far from ugly. You just mentioned him cause sub-mental fools are obsessed with this modern remake of the Beverly Hillbillies.

2. Fellow, Mouseketeer, Christine Aguilera recently married the hideously ugly-but-apparently-well-endowed Jordan Bratman.

This is incidentally funny because a guy with a huge cock is named Brat-Man. It'd be like if Aguilera's last name meant Blast-Crater-Cunt in Spanish. These guys simply mention a big dick and expect laughs to flow. Uncle Milty!!! And good for Jew-cock him.

3. The marriage recently went up in flames, but Richie Sambora was way out of his depth with Heather Locklear anyway.

Men become rockstars to get laid. To impugn Richie Sambora for reeling in some B-list actress that was already an A-list groupie for Tommy Lee is barely an accomplishment and to single out semi-handsome Richie when there are many older, more emaciated, more opiate-fueled rockers out there is just lazy. Go nitpick at a gallery of Freddie Mercury's lover's tombstones, you catty bitches.

4. Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe also recently split. But Chad got the short end of the genetic stick, with his brother, Rob, winning out.

Hillary Swank is not that hot. Her bitewing X-rays must look like they came from Amtrak prototype blueprints. These guys had a perfect opportunity to make fun of the anonymous Chad Lowe just by asking Hillary "How Lowe can you go?" and missed the lay-up. She does have huge jugs, though. And he is (probably) not endowed.

5. Pete Sampras and his unbelievably attractive wife, actress Bridgette Wilson seem like a happy couple, and I can certainly see why - from his perspective.

Sure, Pete Sampras is as hairy as Greek Sasquatch, but Bridgette Wilson was in Mortal Kombat. It's a push. Dennis Miller Mime Sez: And what's the deal with Agassi dating Steffi Graf? Its like they Cryo-Froze Lassie's head, found a cure for canine brain cancer, grafted it to the body of a guillotined hottie and then hung it out in a lightning storm.

6. J. Lo and Mark Anthony - will you look at that sick, demented looking creep? He looks like a vampire from a bad movie.

Mark Anthony is not that ugly if you adjust for J. Lo's peerless bitchiness. He's the one slumming and he's already third-world. If you kiss J. Lo, don't drink the water. Meow!

7. Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy also seem quite happy. But while I like him as an actor, let's face it, he looks like a troll.

I'm not sure who Felicity Huffman is, but haha, Macy looks like a troll. At least he has talent in his field, unlike the wit-master who dug deep into the comedy bag to find "troll" and presented it without even an adjective garnish.

8. The first of our three 'Ugly Husband Hall of Fame' listings. Joe Dimaggio and Marilyn Monroe. Just look at the picture people.

Gay men are obsessed with Monroe. No straight man thinks of her outside of suggestive updrafts. I hope Joe treated her like the bloated, lubed and luded-up bimbo that she was. Oh yeah, you're doing pretty well if you're sharing pussy with the fuckin' President--Clinton gets a mulligan, or two.

9. Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett are pretty much at the top of the heap when it comes to ugly husbands. The man looks like he was pieced together from spare parts.

Trying to discover novel ways to insult Lyle Lovett's appearance is a task well beyond the skill of whoever wrote this, although it did result in their most original attempt which has still been heard before.

10. And wrapping up the list, the ultra-hot and now Brad Pitt-loving Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton. His name is 'Billy Bob'...that's all you need to know.

Billy Bob, unlike the others on this list, is the fucking man. Motherlovin' Brad Pitt has to slurp up his sloppy seconds. Whenever you can sit back and Horgh* that Brad Pitt has to tolerate her body crumbling under motherhood and while your own head is still filled with vivid memories of her spread for you in her peak, then you are the man. Plus, B. Bob nailed Laura Dern in her prime and you know he was tapping Halle Barry. And of course – he's not ugly. He looks like a straight man. Which is why he pulls so much primo-tail.

 *Horgh: To laugh