Comfortable and Furious

The Ruthless Guide to 80s Action

Big sweaty men! Big noisy guns! Dozens of people getting beaten and slaughtered–per scene! Entire cities razed to the ground! Liberal wimps beware as simple handguns become judge, jury and executioner!

And the only repercussion is that the Stupid Chief takes your badge and gun for the weekend…

Check Out the RUTHLESS TIMELINE of 80s Action

Welcome to the wonderful, white bread world of 80s Action. The brain-trust here at Ruthless (Goat & Matt) spent some time figuring out just what exactly made a shoot ’em up flick in the 80’s so much better than the identical film shot in some other decade. That task took all of about five minutes.

Firstly, action films from the 80’s are all exceedingly homoerotic. It is an essential part of the given movie’s aesthetic. Sure, Steve Reeves took his shirt off in The Thief of Baghdad, but he spent most of his time chasing after the princess, not touching other men. Of course, all of the heroes in 80’s Action flicks talk like tough guys, but there is rarely any hetero-sex and by the end of the movie they are typically locked in mortal, lascivious combat with another muscular, shirtless man.

Furthermore, the heroes of these great films are men who in real life could actually beat the living fuck out of you. Say what you will about his political abilities [Ed Note: Vote Larry Flynt], but back in 1983, Arnold Schwarzenegger could have ripped the arms off your body. Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Charles Bronson, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude van Damme or Clint Eastwood, back about 30-35 years, were all actually muscle-bound, tough-as-nails uber-mensches.

You would not have wanted to run into any of them while lurking in a dark alley. Especially if you’re a commie-nazi, drug-dealing terrorist leftist cop who’s soft on crime and likes kidnapping/molesting under-aged white girls in said alleys. These days, more often than not, all you get are androgynous pencil-dicks like Jared Leto playing the heavies. Put more succinctly, if me and Leto met in a darkened alley, I’d be the one bending him over. And Will Smith is exactly as intimidating as Milhouse Van Houten, except at the Oscars, of course. Action stars of today are pussies. Action stars of two decades ago shot .44 bullets out of their cocks. Honestly, if  Charles Bronson and I were in the same room I’d kill myself just to make sure he didn’t hurt me.

Finally, 80s Action films have a definite right-wing slant to them. Similar to Triumph of the Will. Sure, no one wanted to see sex on screen while Reagan was in office, but more than half of the films we’re going to discuss derived their plots from Willie Horton commercials. Whether it is Rocky Balboa single-handedly bringing down the Iron Curtain while draped in Old Glory, or Charles Bronson intricately dissecting the fallacies of liberalism with a .357 Magnum… or Schwarzenegger waltzing around half-nude with more guns than the Branch Davidians, people who enjoy circle jerking to Norman Rockwell prints simply love action films of the 80’s. We know we do. Enjoy!

The Ruthless Guide To 80s Action is a living document and will be updated every so often.  Here is what we currently have:


10 TO MIDNIGHT
10 TO MIDNIGHT
ABOVE THE LAW
ABOVE THE LAW
ACTION JACKSON
ACTION JACKSON
ALIENS
ALIENS
AMERICAN NINJA
AMERICAN NINJA

ARMY OF ONE
ARMY OF ONE
ASSASSINATION
ASSASSINATION

BEASTMASTER, THE
BEASTMASTER, THE

BEST OF THE BEST
BEST OF THE BEST

BLACK RAIN
BLACK RAIN

BLOODSPORT
BLOODSPORT
BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION 3:
BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION 3:
COBRA
COBRA
COMMANDO
COMMANDO
CONAN THE BARBARIAN
CONAN THE BARBARIAN
CONAN THE DESTROYER
CONAN THE DESTROYER

CYBER TRACKER
CYBER TRACKER
CYBORG
CYBORG

DAYS OF THUNDER
DAYS OF THUNDER
DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR
DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR
DEATH WISH 2
DEATH WISH 2
DEATH WISH IV: THE CRACKDOWN
DEATH WISH IV: THE CRACKDOWN
DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH
DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH
DIE HARD
DIE HARD
DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER
DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER
DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE
DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE
DOUBLE IMPACT
DOUBLE IMPACT
DOUBLE TEAM
DOUBLE TEAM
ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK
ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK
EXTREME PREJUDICE
EXTREME PREJUDICE
EYE OF THE TIGER
EYE OF THE TIGER
FIREWALKER
FIREWALKER
FIRST BLOOD
FIRST BLOOD
FLIGHT OF THE INTRUDER
FLIGHT OF THE INTRUDER
HARD TO KILL
HARD TO KILL
HEARTBREAK RIDGE
HEARTBREAK RIDGE
INVASION USA
INVASION USA
IRON EAGLE
IRON EAGLE
KICKBOXER
KICKBOXER
KICKBOXER 2: THE ROAD BACK
KICKBOXER 2: THE ROAD BACK
KICKBOXER 3: THE ART OF WAR
KICKBOXER 4: THE AGGRESSOR
LETHAL WEAPON
LETHAL WEAPON
LOCK UP
LOCK UP
LONE WOLF MCQUADE
LONE WOLF MCQUADE
MALONE
MALONE
MARKED FOR DEATH
MARKED FOR DEATH
MAXIMUM RISK MCBAIN
MCBAIN
MISSING IN ACTION
MISSING IN ACTION
MISSING IN ACTION 2:
MISSING IN ACTION 2:
MURPHY’S LAW NAVY SEALS
NAVY SEALS
NEXT OF KIN
NEXT OF KIN
NO DEAD HEROES
NO DEAD HEROES
OUT FOR JUSTICE
OUT FOR JUSTICE
OVER THE TOP
OVER THE TOP
PREDATOR
PREDATOR
PREDATOR 2
PREDATOR 2
PUNISHER: WARZONE
PUNISHER: WARZONE
RAMBO
RAMBO
RAMBO III
RAMBO III
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II
RAW DEAL
RAW DEAL
RED DAWN
RED DAWN
RED HEAT
RED HEAT
RED SONJA
RED SONJA
ROADHOUSE
ROADHOUSE
ROBOCOP
ROBOCOP
ROCKY III
ROCKY III
ROCKY IV
ROCKY IV
ROCKY V
ROCKY V
ROLLING VENGEANCE
ROLLING VENGEANCE
SWAT SHARKY'S MACHINE
SHARKY’S MACHINE
SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO
SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO
STEEL DAWN
STONE COLD
STONE COLD
TANGO & CASH
TANGO & CASH
THE DELTA FORCE
THE DELTA FORCE
THE EVIL THAT MEN DO
THE EVIL THAT MEN DO
THE HANOI HILTON
THE HANOI HILTON
THE LAST BOY SCOUT
THE LAST BOY SCOUT
THE PERFECT WEAPON
THE PERFECT WEAPON
THE PUNISHER
THE PUNISHER
THE RUNDOWN THE RUNNING MAN
THE RUNNING MAN

THE THING
THEY LIVE
THEY LIVE
TOP GUN
TOP GUN
TOY SOLDIERS
TOY SOLDIERS
UNDER SIEGE
UNDER SIEGE

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER
UNIVERSAL SOLDIER

situs totoHere is the link to the updated list (06/11/2024) of all the 80’s Action Movies.

Enjoy the carnage, and enjoy the man-on-man lust.

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