Jack Frost (1997) is a Christmas horror movie that has the distinction of having the worst fake snow in the history of cinematography. Unfortunately, that is the only normal distinction that this “movie” has, and I use the word “movie” in a theoretical sense only. Yes, this is a cult classic and for sheer campiness, it is off the chain. I thought the killer tire in Rubber was about as dumb as it could get, but here we have a killer snowman. What can we possibly do with this movie? How can it possibly be reviewed objectively? When all else fails, we have the 80’s Action Format!
Tagline:
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Snowman COLD!
Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:
One cold night, science and evil collide. Ethylene-glycol wins.
Homoeroticism:
None.
Corpse Count:
It looks like there was a total of at least 10 deaths in this movie, not including the snowman. This is not a huge body count by any standard, but considering the quality of the deaths rendered, the number was quite adequate. The Metzners fared the worst of all, as all 4 family members were brutally murdered.
Novelty Deaths:
All of the deaths were novel, but the annoying Sally being electrocuted and crucified on the Christmas tree had to be the best death of all. 10/10, especially with the comment of the deputy.
How Bad Was it Really?
It was beyond terrible, but infinitely camp and re-watchable. The quotes and one-liners were relentless and were some of the best ever for a movie like this. There is also a Jack Frost 2. Both movies are watchable free on YouTube.
Was there a Stupid Chief?
Boy Howdy! Sam was the sheriff that initially brought in the serial killer turned killer snowman. Throughout the movie he was verbally and physically abused by almost everyone. In the end, like Ash in Evil Dead, he finally grows a set, and is the hero that saves Christmas and his shitty little town.
Post-Mortem One Liners:
- “Woo-Hoo-Hoo, it’s a long drive! – Jack Frost (after impaling Jeff with icicle)
- “Gosh, I only axed you for a smoke” -Jack Frost (after impaling Jake with axe)
- “Looks like Christmas came a little early this year” -Jack Frost (after rough and cold sex with Jill in the bathtub
- “Blow me!” -Jack Frost (to agent Manners holding an unplugged hair dryer)–Pre-mortem
- “Eat Me!” -Jack Frost (to Stone) -Pre-mortem
- “This is gonna hurt” -Jack Frost (before getting doused with genetically altered liquid) -Pre-mortem
More Quotes and one-liners:
- “Sally, when I want philosophy, I’ll turn on Oprah.” -Jake
- “I just saw something out there, AND IT’S KILLING ALL MY FRIENDS! Now, you tell me what it is!” -Sheriff Sam “Jack Frost” -Agent Manners
- “Look Ma! I’m a Picasso!” -Frosty
- “That’s right, Sheriff! You take a good, long look at this face! ‘Cuz the next time you see it, it’s gonna tear your world apart! I’ll find a way! I’ll tear your town apart! I’ll kill your family! I’ll kill you! You’re dead! You hear me? Dead!” -Jack Frost
- “Fucker’s a snowman!” -Paul
- “You don’t reckon that we keep her up for the twelve days of Christmas, then?” -Deputy Pullman (referring to the crucified Sally)
- “I think…at a time like this…all we can do is turn our eyes to the heavens and say…Oh, shit!” -Agent Manners (seeing Frosty come back to life)
- “What in the hell is eating him?” -Deputy Foster “I’ll bet you it ain’t his girlfriend -Deputy Pullman
Stupid Political Content:
The Federal Government was again surreptitiously conducting genetic experiments. Things, as always, go terribly wrong and the government agents are clueless as to how to rein in their messes.
Was there an Atomic Blast at the end?
No, but there was a ceremonial baptism in a truck bed full of antifreeze.
Special Ruthless Ratings -or-What I Learned from Jack Frost:
- Normal movie rating 0/10 Camp cult classic rating 10/10
- How many times did the annoying soundtrack make you reach for your knife? Numerous. The constant background Christmas music was horrible… in keeping with the season.
- Death row inmates are driven to their execution chambers, at night and in a blinding snowstorm
- Women routinely dry their hair before they get in the bathtub.
- It takes 15 minutes to undress for sex in the dead of winter.
- After 3 grisly murders, townspeople are smiling and applaud their Sheriff at an emergency meeting at the church.
- Hair dryers are more effective weapons than the entire armory of the FBI
- If your young son likes to cook, it is perfectly OK for him to use anti-freeze as an ingredient