A Cadaver Christmas (2011)

Tagline: Never leave a mess unclean

A Cadaver Christmas (2011) Ho-Ho-Ho. What is Christmas without cadavers, Zombies, blood, guts and mayhem? No, I’m not talking about Black Friday at Wal-Mart, I’m talking about this wonderful movie, A Cadaver Christmas. How perfectly fitting to celebrate the upcoming sacred holiday by watching Zombies, instead of arguing over Starbucks Cups? I mean, really, Jesus was the most famous Zombie of all and Americans are more fascinated with Zombies than they are with Jesus. So, without any further ado, let’s get to the review of this dreadful movie, and I use the term movie with shame and remorse.

Everyone knows that it probably sucks to be a Janitor, a noble profession for sure, but to be one at a university must have been a particularly hideous cross to bear. Dan Hale was The Janitor and he was not happy. As The Janitor mused about his switch from being an Elementary School Janitor to being University Janitor, “I thought these people would be adults?” Yes, this poor loser was mopping up mud, shit and other disgusting stuff on Christmas Eve, but nothing prepared him for the mess that he would find in the halls by the Science Lab.

Anyway, the distraught Janitor, now bloody with the results of the Professor’s experiments, wandered into a bar on Christmas Eve and recruited a former cop, a bartender, a Drunk Idiot and a pervert (he was caught fucking a goat, but it gets worse) to help him clear the University of Zombies…I mean Cadavers, and to save the world. Their methods were slap-stickingly and groaningly hilarious, and much folly and stupidity ensued.

O.K., let’s be realistic here. I watched the Trailer and it was cheesy and enticing, but what could be expected from a horror movie made with a measly budget of only $10,000? Not much, I think. Instead of spending .01 + shipping from Amazon, it could have been better to watch the Trailer on YouTube and be done with it. This is what I would have liked to have done, but I wanted to keep an open mind and pressed on to actually watch the rest of this mess.

The acting was horrible, but in a good way, and The Janitor stole the show, what little there was of it. The Producer tried valiantly to pay homage to other horror and Zombie Movies, notably to the beloved Ash in Evil Dead. No, there was no boom-stick or chainsaw, but there was a mop-stick and plunger for our hero, who like Roger Wilco, was a Janitor, you know.

I think I’ve changed my mind about this movie and this is adequate testimony to actually watching the entire movie (if you can stomach it) before writing the review. This is a novel concept and I’m glad I thought of it, but if you watched the first thirty minutes of the movie you would see what I am talking about. Having watched everything, including the epilogue and extras, I have totally changed my mind and think that this is a near camp masterpiece. With some editing to smooth out the dead spots, it would be great.

As the melee progressed the movie just got worse and worse, or better and better, depending on your perspective. The skirmish in the Science Lab was fun and the action picked up some much-needed steam. I must grudgingly admit that I started to warm up to the characters that were still alive, and the final battle scene in the hallway, where Zombies were plunged, decapitated, electrocuted and shot.

The Janitor and The Idiot Drunk fought off hordes of twitching and jerking Zombie Cadavers using only Christmas decorations and janitor supplies to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman. This was a gloriously inspired Zombie fight with Frat Apes, Science Lab Assistants and the Christmas Choral Choir.

Be sure to stick with the movie after the credits are rolling for several plot twists and after scenes. Yes, it will be a very tough New Year after all. God bless them, each and every one, both the living and the dead.

DVD, Extras, etc.: There is a “Behind the Scenes”, several Trailers, a Gag Reel of Bloopers and more.

• The fact that they even had extras is amazing.
• Even more amazing is that the extras were an informative explanation of the making of the movie and the character development.
• The trailers are hilarious.

Meaningful Quotes and One-liners:

• “I don’t talk to goat fuckers -The Bartender
• “Never leave a mess unclean” -The Janitor
• “We are not going to stay here and be eaten by Zombies!”-The Cop “Cadavers!” -The Janitor
• “This is not natural, and it sure ain’t legal! -The Cop
• “I’m not going anywhere with you either, but we have to stick together!” -The Janitor
• “Her name is Betsy, and we’re in love” -The Perv
• “Leucochloridium paradoxum, isn’t that the snail parasite?” -The Drunk Idiot

Special Ruthless Ratings -or-What I learned from A Cadaver Christmas:

• Round the clock drinking can cure Zombie bite infections.
• It is impossible to contact the police from within a university.
• Editing is pretty important, even in films like this one.
• After having sex with a goat, having sex with a badly burned cadaver is no big deal.
• How bad was it really? On a relative basis, based on the tiny budget, it was equivalent to The Godfather
• Daniel Rairden-Hale has some serious acting talent