Getaway

Let me guess. You watched this movie so you could yet again gently masturbate to Selena Gomez, didn’t you?

Mom, I swear, I thought this was an art film!

I can’t even

Don’t judge me, man. It’s Christmas! (in three weeks)

So, what has that little temptress gotten you into this time?

It’s the age old story of a guy who comes home to find his wife kidnapped. A mysterious man, identified in the film only as “The Voice”, instructs him to steal a car from a local parking garage. The car is equipped with cameras, GPS, armor, and probably cup holders that green tea from the local boba place will actually fit into. The Voice then commands the guy to complete a series of missions to save his wife. Along the way, the guy inadvertently teams up with a young rich girl who is an expert on cars and computer hacking. Car chases and explosions ensue. So yeah, this is a serious Oscar contender, if you couldn’t tell already.

She’s an expert on computers? Did they tailor make this film for your retarded mind or something?

Apparently. It may seem like the movie is taking place in Bizarro World, but it’s really just taking place in Bulgaria. I’m not sure if there’s any difference between the two, but I’ll give Eastern Europe the benefit of the doubt since I’ve never been there. Their police officers do need some driving lessons, however. They spend more time involuntarily flying through the air than they do on the ground. Four wheels on the ground at all times, fellas.

So how bad is it, really?

Well, it’s directed by Courtney Solomon. When I saw that name in the credits, it reawakened something deep in my mind that I couldn’t quite place. It was only after viewing the film that I looked the name up on the Internet and realized what it was: Courtney Solomon directed the Dungeons & Dragons movie over a decade ago.

Jesus Christ.

Strangely enough, though, Getaway was actually pretty enjoyable. It’s a B-grade action flick, but the CGI is kept to a minimum, leaving mostly real (or real-looking) stunts and car crashes throughout. Ethan Hawke manages to class up the proceedings a bit and elevates the film slightly above the usual genre fare. I wasn’t bored at any point, and the film is much less offensive than something like A Good Day To Die Hard. Maybe I’ve just gone completely insane, though.

Maybe you just have a thing for Selena Gomez.

Is there a difference?

Sigh.

She’s alright in this film. She swears in an attempt to make herself seem older, performs computer hacking with an iPad, and has some other annoying traits, but I’m inclined to blame the director of Dungeons & Dragons instead of her. Plus, as previously stated, this movie takes place in the fabled land of Bulgaria, so maybe she is really a red mage or something. It would certainly explain quite a bit.

Aren’t red mages from Final Fantasy? What is the matter with you?

I can’t even think straight. I’m blaming Selena. But seriously, there is a part towards the end where the main character and some bad guys both spin and stall out in the middle of the intersection. A bad guy trains his rocket launcher on the main character, and all seems lost, when suddenly a semi blares its horn and smashes into the enemy car. The semi is never seen again. Yes, Bulgaria is a country where semis can magically teleport in at any time, ending your life as quickly as it began. By the way, this all takes place in Sofia, which I think is the capital city of Bulgaria, but I’m too lazy to look it up. If this is what happens in their major metropolitan areas, they probably have goblins roaming the countryside and beholders still living in their caves.

I still haven’t heard anything about Christmas in this Christmas movie review.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this movie takes place at Christmas. The film is bookended by “Jingle Bell Rock”, and… well, that’s about it for the Christmas theme. The main character’s wife is kidnapped, and the Christmas ornaments are shattered on the floor, symbolizing the shattering of the familial unit. It’s pretty deep stuff. But really, if Die Hard and Lethal Weapon can take place at Christmas, why can’t a B-grade car chase movie released a quarter of a century later? By the way, there’s another sly reference to Die Hard in this movie when the main guy suggests that the villain is after bearer bonds. Selena Gomez’s character asks, “Bearer bonds? How old are you?” Maybe it wasn’t a reference to Die Hard, but I laughed just the same.

This sounds like a great, great film, and I don’t believe that you’re trolling one bit.

The sad truth, America, is that I’m not. I honestly enjoyed this movie. Sure, it has a 3% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes at the time of this writing, but who cares? I have one thing to say to these critics, but I’ll let Selena do it for me:

Very mature.

What did they expect? It’s a car chase movie with minimal story. Joe Bob Briggs would often criticize exposition-heavy movies by saying that there was “way too much plot getting in the way of the story.” At least this movie doesn’t fall victim to that. Boring dialogue scenes are routinely interrupted by more car crashes. Sure, the quick-cut editing gets annoying at times, but that’s the fault of every action movie released in the past decade or so. At least the laws of physics are acknowledged, if not entirely obeyed. I’ve recounted the story of Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriguez’s high-flying windshield landing in Fast Six to several math classes now. Nothing that ridiculous occurs in this film. Really, though, at least we don’t have to sit through a half of an hour of superhero origin story before anything blows up. If I was 10 years old, this movie would have been an instant classic.

Yeah, but you’re 30. So what is this movie, now?

It’s pretty good, I guess. I don’t know if I’ll ever actively return to it, but it’s probably one of the better straight action movies released in theaters this year. I know that isn’t saying a whole lot, but whatever. So yeah, it’s not Ronin or anything. Not by a long shot. But it’s certainly entertaining.

Any final thoughts?

There was part of me that wondered if Jon Voight’s villain was supposed to be his character from Mission Impossible, but then I remembered that his character was blown up in that movie. I think I really have lost my mind.

Probably.

Well, I can always get a job as a computer hacker villain in shitty action movies set in Bulgaria if the math teaching thing doesn’t work out. Maybe I can even get my own familiar. We all need goals in life, and I’ve found mine.