Jump

Forget everything you thought you knew about bad movies. Jump redefines the very notion of a bad movie. Jump is bad 2.0. Jump is fucking awful. Jump is atrocious. Jump is a crime. Jump is diarrhea in a to go cup.  Jump motherfucking sucks. The only reason I watched it all the way through is out of some perverted sense of duty to this site. A pox on you less, a pox.

Jump is about a fucking guy standing on the ledge of a building. He maybe wants to kill himself because he thinks, “the world sucks.” There is a clown and some other stupid people and a really awful actor named Mike McGlone – who should be fucking beat down in the street – they are all friends of the guy who might jump and they don’t even ever try to talk him down. Instead, they bitch about their stupid love lives. Mostly they bitch about the clown guy who got the McGlone guy’s girlfriend pregnant. In the end, the guy gets down off the ledge and for some reason the clown jumps off. Only he doesn’t die, he lands in a pile of garbage and gets into a fight with a mime. I was giving my TV the finger with both hands when the credits rolled. I swear it man, this movie sucked the fucking life right out me. All my joy is gone.

The real criminal here is Justin McCarthy. He wrote and directed this train wreck of a nightmare. Other people in Hollywood should realize that he is poisoning their well. He is wrecking it for everyone else. A gang of directors should go to his home and beat him to death with a VCR. What the fuck was he thinking? Jerry Bruckheimer is an outright genius next this McCarthy fool. I mean, Pearl Harbor looks like Chinatown when compared side by side to Jump. This movie makes me embarrassed to be alive.

IMDB.com has Jump ranked at 2.8 stars. For comparisons sake, Crossroads, the previous heavyweight champ of shit, gets 3.1 stars, The Master of Disguise gets a 2.9, and The Musketeer gets a 4.3. [Ed Note: In all fairness, C.H.U.D. II – Bud The Chud only got 2 stars…] There is no point in going on with this review. It hurts me to even try and think of examples of sheer crapulence to bring up and make fun of. Jump is bad in ways that other movies haven’t even thought of. Go to your local video store and set fire to the fucking copies on the shelves. Kill Jump. Kill it.

Ruthless Ratings

• Overall: 0
• Direction: 0
• Acting: 0
• Story: 0
• DVD Extras: 0
• Re-watchability: Maybe if you wanted to torture someone.
  Actually, what would be fair and just is to get all the criminals
  involved in the making of Jump and make them watch it for a year straight, Clockwork Orange style.

Special Ruthless Ratings

• Number of times the movie was paused to do something else: 0 – I just let it play while I peed or whatever
• Number of times the oppressive sound track made you reach for your knife: 12 – Lots of really bad music to go along with the worst movie ever made
• Did you only rent it because Amanda Peet is in it and she got totally naked in The Whole Nine Yards: Yes
• Do you know what the fuck James LeGros was doing in the movie: No
• Have you ever, in all honesty, seen a worse movie: No. Maybe The Million Dollar Hotel, but luckily Jaquay had the good sense to turn it off. So, no.
• Number of times you realized that if somebody had just pushed the asshole off the building in the first scene then the whole nasty affair could have been nipped in the bud: 1,000
• Are you filled with rage as a result of watching all 91 minutes of Jump: Yes
• Do you to kill all the actors involved: Hell Yeah
• Do you want to kill all the production people: Absolutely
• What about the boom mike guy: Him too
• The caterer: Indeed. They helped out. All should be murdered.
• Was there anything good at all about Jump: No, nothing at all. Not a bloody thing
• Are you going to be OK: Probably not